How to Have a Happy Birthday: Using Your Personal New Year to Revolutionize Self-Love
Reese Brown (00:33.154)
Tamara Hurwitz-Lemming, beautiful, awesome. Tamara, thank you so very much for joining me today. It is an honor to put a face to the name and I'm so appreciative of your time this evening. It's actually evening for both of us, which is a fun change of pace for me. So thank you so much for being here.
Tamar (00:51.842)
Thanks for the warm welcome, Reese. I'm looking forward to this.
Reese Brown (00:54.61)
Absolutely. To kick us off, get us started, I always like to start with, what's just something you're grateful for right now? Just hopefully set a positive tone going into this time together.
Tamar (01:07.886)
You know, I'm grateful for this opportunity to share this space and to share this conversation because I believe that together we can talk about a variety of topics that can really help people have a better life. So I'm excited and grateful that we get to do this.
Reese Brown (01:23.404)
Me too. That is something that I find myself continually called back into gratitude for is just the ability to do work of service, right? And that is something that I found as a common theme throughout all of these conversations that I have. I have not had one guest on in three years of doing this show that has not said that serving others is not tied to meaning in some way.
Tamar (01:51.916)
Yeah, absolutely.
Reese Brown (01:53.996)
Thank you for that. Second question to really break open our conversation is what is your story? That is a big question, but whatever you feel called to share in this moment is exactly right.
Tamar (02:09.454)
So I have many different stories, but the story that has the most impact in terms of the essence of our conversation today is about my birthday. wrote, you know, I'm here, I wrote a book called How to Have a Happy Birthday. And the genesis for my birthday awareness started when I turned 18. It was my freshman year at college, it my first year away from home. I'm the baby of the family, there's four of us kids.
And I didn't have any birthday plans except to wake up in my dorm room and receive the birthday calls from my family, which I knew would come. And so, you I woke up, went to breakfast, rushed back to my room. This is before cell phones and all that kind of stuff. And I spent my whole day rushing back to my room for the calls to come and they never came. My family forgot my birthday and it was devastating. It was heartbreaking. And it unfortunately reaffirmed some...
inner dialogue I had about myself, about not being lovable and not being worthy and all that kind of stuff that we sometimes get saddled with. And it was a really difficult experience for me. And that story, however, I'm so grateful for because that woke me up to the pain that we can feel on our birthdays and the loneliness and the despondency and the disappointment we can feel on our birthdays and how unloved we can feel on our birthdays because I went through it. Now, the good news is two years later, my story changed.
It was my junior year abroad. I was living in France for the year. It was my birthday. My birthday is January 9th, by the way. And I woke up without any plans, but it occurred to me like, my goodness, I'm far from home. No one's here to do this for me. I'm going to take charge of this day. I took the day off classes. I walked through town. I bought myself some fancy French perfume that I couldn't afford.
And I had some friends over for cake later that evening, you know, my school colleagues, and I ended up having the best birthday of my life. And comparing those two birthdays so close together, they were only two years apart, it occurred to me like, I get it. You have to take charge of your birthday and do what you want so that you can have a happy birthday. You can't be passive waiting for the phone to ring so that others can do for you what really you can only do for yourself, which is to put yourself into the center of the day, honor yourself, celebrate yourself.
Reese Brown (04:15.318)
Mmm.
Tamar (04:19.638)
invite people to join in, to make it happen for yourself is what I learned. And that's the story that I bring today because since that point, since I turned 20 and I'm 59 now, so it's been many years since that point where I had this awakening, I've been paying attention to my birthday every single year as it's built, arrived, and then faded out. And there's a real energy that comes to birthdays.
And some of us want to avoid them. We don't want anything to do with them. You we get the birthday blues, we feel anxious, we cry. And some of us embrace them with great joy and anticipation. And wherever we are on that birthday spectrum, from birthday avoidant to birthday positive, I believe that we can all have a happier birthday from wherever we are on that spectrum. If we understand that our birthdays are a major holiday and they deserve planning and intention for them to be fulfilling.
Reese Brown (05:12.032)
Hmm. It's so beautiful. And I think one of the things that really excited me when I learned about this book, How to Have a Happy Birthday, of course, links to everything will be in the description for anyone that is curious about reading this book. There's also a workbook that goes along with How to Have a Happy Birthday that will be linked down below as well for listeners to check out. But the thing that really struck me was the specificity. And I think so often in
this really big, vast world where we have so many different things being thrown at us. It's really easy for something as mundane feeling as a birthday that we get every year to completely just go unnoticed and actually taking the time to sit back and be with this thing that, yes, it happens every year. It only happens once a year though, right?
So why birthdays? Of course you had this experience at 18 and 20, but I'm sure you've had so many transformative experiences besides just these two birthdays, right? Why birthday as the thing to really dig into and dive into?
Tamar (06:45.144)
So birthdays are so important because they happen one day a year. You know, it's not like a weekly event. It's a one day a year event that just like any major holiday deserves our attention and our presence. And the reason birthdays are so important, I believe, is that they are the most spiritual day of our year. Because it's the day we began our life. And if you think about it, the day you began your life, what's more spiritual than that? And so you're really in alignment with your spirit.
Reese Brown (07:04.61)
Hmm.
Tamar (07:15.226)
And your purpose, I believe all of us have a purpose. I know you really help people find their purpose and find meaning in their life, which is such wonderful work that you do. But we, believe all of us have a purpose. Some of us don't know what it is. Some of us do. Some of us don't know what it is for most of our life. Some of us know what it is from a very young age, but wherever we are in that self-awareness of what am I here to do? The point is, is that we were born. It's a miracle that we were born at all. It's a miracle that you're here. It's a miracle that I'm here.
and it deserves to be honored and celebrated. And our birthday gives us the one day a year to do that. And I like it that it's one day a year. You know, I always say, and I've certainly been saying this lately, you when you celebrate your birthday well, like really, you know, fully immersed and engaged and saturated with that birthday energy, I'm actually relieved when my birthday's over. Like, good, it's over. I did it, I showed up, I did it well. let's put that to sleep until next year. So I think that when we...
Reese Brown (08:10.242)
Mm-hmm.
Tamar (08:13.226)
embrace our birthdays and opportunity to really expand our energy into our essence, into our soul, into who we are. It can nourish us in a very deep way that doesn't just inform the day itself, but helps inform the rest of the year.
Reese Brown (08:29.216)
Hmm, that's so beautiful. And I would be remiss not to ask you about your experience with astrology either. Of course, that's listed as part of your expertise in your website and all of the information about you. And astrology is something I am deeply fascinated by. And your entire birth chart is kind of a blueprint for your soul, right?
the journey that you're gonna go through each year and throughout life and the lessons that you're meant to learn. And so absolutely, I hear this spiritual magic around the birthday. One thing that I would just love to hear you two sense on is the way we celebrate and kind of structure in...
events around our birthday because I think all of these things that we do, know, making wishes and candles and cake and presents feels very... it almost reminds me of Christmas where if we really go back into the history we understand that having a tree with a star on top it's actually deeply pagan and...
Tamar (09:35.896)
Mm-hmm.
Reese Brown (09:43.702)
giving gifts as an offering to honor loved ones, but also to deities and entities. Like it's a deeply spiritual practice that we have kind of co-opted into Abrahamic tradition, but then also into just Western tradition. Many non-religious and non-spiritual people still practice Christmas. And I think the same thing about birthdays where it's like.
you're making a wish and blowing out a candle and people are honoring you with presents. I'm like, that's a ritual, babe. Like, that's what we're doing. So talk to me about your ideas around these celebrations that we have for birthdays and any history or any ideas you have about that. I'm just so curious what you think.
Tamar (10:27.66)
Well, know, birthdays have been around forever since the beginning of our time here, right? And there's different, you know, when I was writing the book, I started doing research on the history of birthdays and very quickly I realized, you know what? That's actually not what this book's about. It's not a historical review of birthdays. It's not a, it's not a study of birthdays. It's really a self-help book about how you can have a happier birthday, right? How you can feel more depth and fulfillment and meaning on your actual day so that it can uplift you, nourish you.
Reese Brown (10:42.402)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (10:49.58)
Mm.
Tamar (10:56.584)
and give you good energy, because I believe that's healing. And when we're healed, we become kinder people. And when we're kinder people, the world becomes a better place one person at a time. So I really do have that intention behind this book, that it's a self-help book. So in terms of the rituals, though, yes, in our culture, and different cultures around the world have different rituals around their birthday. I'm taking a uniquely Western, United States of America perspective on birthdays. And yes, absolutely, gifts, birthday cake, birthday wish, all of that.
Reese Brown (11:10.114)
Mm.
Reese Brown (11:20.716)
Sure.
Tamar (11:26.242)
The thing that I find interesting though about these rituals is that some people, well, I'll tell you a personal story. I mean, I was a kid, think I was turning five. And I remember we were playing outside and all of I was like, okay, come in for dinner. And it was dinner time and it was your birthday. it's my birthday. Well, where are my friends? Because I'm the baby of the family. And I knew that when it came to birthdays, your friends came over.
Well, you know, but at that day, that evening, no one was coming over and I got really upset. Like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, where's my friend? I know she should be here. Cause it's a ritual, right? The friends come and celebrate you. And that didn't happen for me that day. And I got really frustrated and they, you know, my family started singing to me and it felt like this ritual where we're going to sing to you and give you the cake and blow out the candles didn't align with the way I was feeling because I had a certain expectation that wasn't being met and I was frustrated.
Reese Brown (11:51.261)
Mm-hmm.
Tamar (12:20.606)
And actually I got so frustrated and I didn't know how to, I remember I was served actually a pie, a birthday pie, like a cream pie. And I remember I was so frustrated that no one was honoring what I wanted, that I stuck my thumb in the pie. I like just it in like as a protest. then, know, exactly. Everyone started laughing, which just made me more upset, right? I remember it so well though, but it's, you know, it speaks to
Reese Brown (12:40.352)
Right? Of course.
Tamar (12:46.594)
this idea that we can have the rituals of the birthday, but if we're not in alignment with them, it can be hard for us. It can be hard for us. A lot of people don't actually like it when people sing happy birthday to them. I've heard people say, I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want all that energy coming at me. And I say, fine, that's great. You have awareness about what works for you. There's no rules for celebrating a birthday. Even though I wrote a self-help book with all sorts of ideas and suggestions, it's really up to you to decide what works for you. You might want to take yourself.
Reese Brown (12:50.754)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (12:55.84)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (13:10.017)
Right?
Tamar (13:13.994)
alone in a way for the entire day and not see anybody for your birthday. And that's perfectly fine if that's what nourishes you and if that's what you want to do on your birthday. But a lot of these rituals, I think do have meaning, they do have power, but sometimes they can be distracting. know, I don't, you know, when people like every year when it's my birthday, my husband buys me a gift, which I love. But the biggest gift that he gives me, which I cherish and value the most is that he writes me a love letter and finds a beautiful card.
Reese Brown (13:27.18)
Mm-hmm.
Tamar (13:41.644)
He writes me a love letter, he types it up, know, because there's a lot he's saying and he cuts it out and pasted in the card. That gift touches me so deeply, brings tears to my eyes and nourishes me to the bottom of my soul because it's love. He's gifting me with love. And whatever physical gift he gives me is lovely. You know, I consider it a trinket, you know, whatever it is, right? I mean, I've gotten some nice things from him, but that's, that's just a symbol. That's not the heart and soul of what I'm receiving on my birthday from him, which is love.
And I do believe that the birthdays can open us up to receiving love from everybody, even strangers. You know, when you go and tell a stranger it's your birthday, let's say you're ordering some coffee or tea, and you tell the person behind the counter, it's my birthday today, watch them light up and say, happy birthday. They're happy for you because they know what it's like because they have a birthday too. And I actually suggest that people, when it's your birthday, let people know it's your birthday. If you're walking the dog on the sidewalk and you run into your neighbor, tell them.
We'll be happy for you. And that's love. That's a form of love. Even if you don't know the people, it's still a form of energy that's being transformed, transferred, which has love at its root and positivity at its root. And we can all use more of that. And so that's one of the things. So one of the rituals I do is I actually tell people it's my birthday, whether I know them or not. And one of the new rituals I've been doing for a while, I write about it, but I'm really into it now, is creating a birthday altar on birthday Eve.
Reese Brown (14:41.744)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (14:50.754)
Absolutely.
Tamar (15:06.37)
So birthday Eve is really great. It's like Christmas Eve before Christmas day. You there's an energy that's building. Your birthday spirit arrives and it's like a freebie. You know, it's not your birthday, but it's the eve of your birthday. And so as you feel the energy build, I like to create a birthday altar where I take a space in my home, clear it off, and then I create, I bring in photos of myself from childhood, photos of my parents, flowers, crystals, a happy birthday banner I string up, which is like,
turning the light switch on for the joy. And I put whatever mementos I want to reflect back at me the birthday joy. And that's a really wonderful way to start the birthday celebration is by creating a birthday altar. And I've heard other people do it and they really like it. It's really the one thing that if you're gonna do anything, practice that this next coming birthday and you'll see that there's some really powerful, lovely magic to it. And then on the morning of my birthday, what I did, what I do, I did that this year for sure is I.
Reese Brown (15:47.852)
Mm.
Tamar (16:04.108)
I go in front of my birthday altar, I sit there for a few moments, doesn't have to be for a long time, and I tune in to myself. And I just get quiet with myself, I tune into my spirit. Sometimes I'll pull an angel card with a word on it to represent something for the day or the coming year. And I just take a spiritual moment in the morning before all the excitement begins and the calls come and I'm off and running to just get quiet with myself, to get grounded spiritually, because it is such a spiritual day.
Reese Brown (16:30.583)
Right.
Tamar (16:31.026)
And that's a really wonderful way to get grounded and rooted before I then go external. know, have some internal spiritual moments is really nice to do. It's by the end of the day, it's a little late for me. Like I feel like I, the times where I forgot to do that, it's like, wait, you know, my birthday progress. I'm like, wait, where am I? Where am I? I didn't, I didn't bring myself along. I was just off and running. So getting centered is a really good ritual that I recommend and do for myself. And then the cake comes, the presents come, the candles come, the birthday wish, all of that.
Reese Brown (16:36.162)
Hmm.
Tamar (17:00.13)
but we can create our own rituals unique to ourselves. Some people really like to go out into nature, go hiking, have some time alone. That's part of their birthday ritual. know, everyone's, there's a million ways to have a birthday based on who you are and what you want. So I say, find your own rituals, create what works for you. And don't do something just because people expect you to do it. If people are gonna be disappointed that you don't want cake and candles, that's their problem, right? They don't, you don't have to.
Reese Brown (17:03.852)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (17:20.29)
Hmm.
Tamar (17:26.382)
please anybody on your birthday to make them feel good. I spoke with someone recently, he was turning 50. And what he wanted to do for his 50th birthday was just go by himself on a trip. But his family, his friends really wanted to celebrate him. And so his 50th birthday was spent doing something that other people wanted to do. And one of the things I said was maybe you could have celebrated a week before, or even a month before, and then had what you really wanted. So let yourself, give yourself permission.
Reese Brown (17:38.466)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (17:49.835)
Yeah.
Tamar (17:55.522)
to what you want one day a year. know, a lot of us are people pleasers, a lot of us are givers, a lot of us are taking care of others. It's comfortable for us to do that. It can be really hard for us to receive, but one day a year, allow yourself to give to yourself and receive whatever it is you want and to ask for it.
Reese Brown (17:55.692)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (18:13.738)
Yeah, yeah, I think there's something really beautiful about the telling people it's your birthday, even if they're strangers, because it feels almost like selfish and self-centered, but it's like, it's actually just a truth. You're just sharing this truth. And I think a really healing piece of this people-pleasory energy that is kind of, I've heard repeated more and more in our zeitgeist, is this idea that
you know, when you are vulnerable with someone else, that's actually giving them the gift of being able to witness you. You love taking care of other people. That lights you up. Why are you taking that joy away from someone else? And it's like, you are giving someone a gift when you tell them it's your birthday. I also love how with this birthday altar on birthday Eve, especially, it almost like primes your system to receive love.
Tamar (19:00.461)
Totally.
Reese Brown (19:11.996)
And it makes me think of the RuPaul, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else with very much like, in order to be open and ready to receive love on your birthday, you gotta start with that time with yourself with, I love myself and only with that foundation will accepting any love feel authentic and not uncomfortable or brushing off and, thank you, but it's not a big deal or.
Tamar (19:36.877)
Yeah.
Tamar (19:40.651)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (19:40.854)
Don't worry about it. And I do wonder how much of this, it's a very strong theme throughout the book, that birthdays really are about self-love and how you give and receive love. And I do wonder how much, just your thoughts on this with people who don't like being sung to or don't wanna make a big deal out of their birthday. Absolutely, it should be yours. It should be your day.
Tamar (19:53.293)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (20:11.532)
How much of that do you think we see and find because of some deeper wound that needs healing or inner child that needs integrating or shadow piece that could be brought into the light? Any analogy to talk about this, right? Or is actually an authentic representation of the self? Because I think both are really possible, right? But I would love your thoughts on that.
Tamar (20:29.986)
Yeah.
Tamar (20:37.302)
Yeah, there's a lot there in what you just said and it's all true. I just want to go back to what you said earlier about we can't receive love from others unless we love ourselves and that's true. And a lot of us have a really hard time loving ourselves. I used to have a hard time loving myself. I don't anymore, thank goodness. And that's one of the benefits of being 59 years old is that we get a lot better with age, life gets better. I that's a thing they don't tell you, but it's true.
And so I'm so much more comfortable on the inside with myself. Those mean, negative voices, they don't exist. They're gone. And I just enjoy my life. I enjoy who I am. And there's sometimes more than other times. But the point is, that a lot of people have a hard time loving themselves. And I don't want anybody to feel pressure that you need to love yourself. It's like you actually don't. You actually don't. What you need to do ideally is start to have a more
Reese Brown (21:11.116)
Hmm.
Tamar (21:35.704)
pleasant relationship with yourself. And one way to do that is by using your birthday as an opportunity to ask yourself, Hey, what do you want to do today? Give yourself the space to take the day off of work to, or, know, and if you can't take the morning off or to do something that you want to do, practice being your own best friend that wants to take yourself by the hand into the fun that you would like to have. You don't need anyone else to do it for you.
Reese Brown (21:38.043)
Hmm.
Tamar (22:03.01)
But to start that relationship with yourself by saying, what do I want to do today? How can I open myself up to the good energy of the day is a step forward in beginning a more positive relationship with yourself. Because I think to actually love yourself, that's a really big deal. And a lot of us don't get there in a lifetime and we don't necessarily get there early on in our life. And we're all on different frequencies with that. And whatever your journey is around that, know, God bless you.
Reese Brown (22:19.884)
Yeah.
Tamar (22:32.352)
It's not easy to not love yourself. It's very painful actually. And one way that we manifest not loving ourselves is actually avoiding the good energy that people want to give us on our birthday. And I think that a lot of times we sabotage our birthday joy. We sabotage any of the pleasure we could have on our birthday because we want to hang on to these negative beliefs we have about ourselves that we're not worthy of celebration, that we're not worthy of being loved. People don't really love us. And so I don't want to open up my heart and be devastated and disappointed.
Reese Brown (22:35.106)
Mm-hmm.
Tamar (23:01.954)
when I show up with expectation and hope that people will celebrate me and they don't, because it's just another day to them. And that can happen, and that has happened to many of us, especially in childhood. We get information when we're kids about what birthdays should be and what they are, especially with friends or at school. And when it doesn't happen for us, it's like, wait, we're anemones. We're very sensitive when we're children. And so we shut down and we protect ourselves. We protect our tender heart. And we would rather stay protected.
Reese Brown (23:22.635)
Mmm.
Tamar (23:30.466)
than to risk the vulnerability of pain and hurt by opening up and having our expectations not met. And so that's why I really advise people to not depend on others for your birthday happiness anymore. To say, you know what? I don't need anybody to make my birthday happy. This is under my control now. I'm empowered to decide what I want to do for my birthday. And I can't predict how the day will go. I can't script it.
but I know that I can do my best to plan for it and show up for it and be open to it and see what comes. And I promise you, if you do that, you can have a happier birthday. And from that experience, you can move forward in your birthday expression and experience.
Reese Brown (24:11.638)
Hmm. No, that really is so beautiful. And I completely agree. think that self-love, would be so easy if it was the switch that we could flip, right? It's like, that's something I need to work on. Great. We got it. We're good. And I really love this idea of like, well, start with just a more pleasant relationship with yourself, right? Like how you do anything, take baby steps. How do you eat an elephant one bite at a time? Like...
Tamar (24:21.538)
Yeah.
That's right. That's right.
Reese Brown (24:40.05)
Because I think too, when we become aware of these self-growth edges, that that can just be used as another tool to shame ourselves, to hate ourselves as opposed to loving ourselves. And you're never going to hate or shame yourself into doing anything. So having this gentle approach, I think is not just beautiful, but really effective and practical too.
Tamar (24:51.17)
Right. Right.
Tamar (24:58.518)
Right.
Tamar (25:08.204)
Yeah, and what I like about it is that, you know, people will give it to us. Like if I say, you know, if I say I'm taking the day off work because it's my birthday, everybody's going to understand that. If I say I'm taking the morning off and I'm going to do this, people let you have it. There's a lot of grace on your birthday. That's why it's a really good day to practice being, having a pleasant relationship with yourself because people will give it to you. No one's going to argue that you're taking the day off for your birthday. Just plan for it in advance. Don't tell your boss the day before, like you're not showing up.
Reese Brown (25:09.526)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (25:12.918)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (25:24.962)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (25:31.169)
Yeah.
Tamar (25:36.024)
plan for it six weeks in advance. Do what you got to do to get that day off. No one's going to argue. I feel like, there's a, there's a, there's a natural support system in place for you to have a happy birthday by the people around you. And even though I just said, don't expect others to be happy for you. And I know that we've had difficult, some of us had difficult experiences, let's say in childhood, or even in current time relationships, adult relationships. I've heard plenty of stories of people whose partners aren't celebrating them, even though they ask and they're just not showing up. And that's a whole nother thing.
Reese Brown (26:03.916)
Right.
Tamar (26:03.938)
But my point is, that generally speaking, when we make the effort to celebrate ourselves and to celebrate our birthday, there's a lot of support for it. And that that can, that can, you know, that we do have the permission to take that day for ourselves.
Reese Brown (26:12.801)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (26:17.556)
Yes. Well, and I think that ties back into something you said earlier about, you tell the barista it's your birthday and they light up because they understand what it's like to have a birthday, right? It is a grand unifier because it is something we all experience. And so it is this really cool way to play with self-love and that you have a really direct one-to-one experience of how you treat someone else on their birthday versus how you treat yourself on your birthday. And
Tamar (26:29.068)
Yeah. Yeah.
Tamar (26:45.474)
Yeah, right.
Reese Brown (26:47.21)
I love so much what you say about kind of letting go and cutting the cord on relying on other people for this birthday joy, that it is your job. And in you telling the story of your 20th birthday in France, it's this radical freedom where not only is it my responsibility, but I...
I get to do this thing, right? It's not I have to, it's I get to. How, as we're considering this idea of working towards a more pleasant relationship with ourselves, is there a similar relationship with being excited to do this work for ourselves released from expectations of others? And you said something earlier that just really rung true to me that was,
Tamar (27:18.786)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (27:42.504)
doing something for yourself that no one else can, right? Because there are things that only we can do for ourself. How are these two, self-love and kind of self-care, obviously connected, but the freedom of choice and duty and having to do the things to take care of yourself versus this more emotional relationship to self, how are these two connected and how can we work on them together?
Tamar (28:11.466)
Well, I keep coming back to this idea that birthdays, like you said, it's the great unifier. We all get one 24-hour period a year, no matter who we are, no matter what we live, no matter what we believe. It's the exact same thing for every person on the planet. I actually don't know anything else that is, besides death, that we all go through, that is exactly equal for everybody. I don't get to have 27 hours and you get to have 22 hours. We all get one 24-hour period a day.
That's incredible. Like we all understand what that means. And so I keep coming to this idea that if we can create what we want and practice asking ourselves, what do I want to do? What do I want to create for myself? What do I want to experience this one day a year? It can expand our appreciation for the consequences of making such a choice and asking such a question and making such a choice.
Reese Brown (29:03.618)
Mmm.
Tamar (29:06.422)
I spoke with somebody recently who had a great birthday. She read my book. said, you know, I asked my husband for the gift I wanted. I told him what restaurant I wanted to go to and I had a great time. And I said, good for you. And she said, it was very empowering. And that's exactly what it feels like when we take charge of our birthday and make it what we want it to be. And that empowerment, that sense of like, I did what I wanted. It feels good. It is a form of self care. It is a form of self love.
Reese Brown (29:20.29)
Mmm.
Tamar (29:34.882)
to actually allow ourselves to have what we want and not always be thinking of others and subsuming what we want for others, being in service to others, taking care of others, putting others needs before our own. A lot of us do that all the time. We don't know how to put ourselves in the center. It's uncomfortable, right? We talked about that already. And so I just say, you know, give yourself one day a year. And it doesn't have to be the whole day if that's still too much for you. Give yourself the morning. Just give yourself the morning to yourself.
Reese Brown (29:52.215)
Yeah.
Tamar (30:03.95)
Go for a walk, go to the park, go to your favorite restaurant and have brunch, have some friends over, have them join you for breakfast. Just do something that sparks some joy all about you and practice receiving. One of the things I noticed very early on is it can be really hard when people give you compliments. You did a great job or I love that dress or whatever and it's very easy. And I finally realized, just say thank you.
Reese Brown (30:24.322)
Mm.
Tamar (30:32.588)
Even if you're uncomfortable, just say thank you. And actually say that in the book. When people are complimenting you, just practice saying thank you. And as soon as you start saying thank you, it makes you vulnerable. It just makes you stop and receive. It's a little uncomfortable to say thank you, because it implies you agree. It implies like, I know, don't I look great in this dress? But you know what? You do look great in that dress, and you deserve to be complimented and say thank you. So just...
Reese Brown (30:32.95)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (30:42.625)
Yeah.
Tamar (30:58.798)
Practice saying thank you, right? Practice being present for your birthday when people are showing up with good cheer for you. And that's why I think when we let the barista know it's my birthday today and she smiles or he smiles and says, happy birthday, that's just one person and it lasts 10 seconds and you can keep moving on. There's not a lot of pressure there, right? It's just a moment. It's not like it's a birthday party filled with 20 of your friends and it's lasting for four hours and there's a lot of energy you're dealing with, right? There can be fragments of joy.
Reese Brown (31:04.77)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (31:24.823)
Right.
Tamar (31:28.056)
that we avail ourselves to on our birthday, but again, can help us get more comfortable feeling more and receiving more positive energy in our space and in our psyche and in our heart. And that is a form of self care and that can lead to greater self love. And if we're not up for self love quite yet, at least affinity with self, appreciation and friendship with self, right? Can we be our own friend, right? Can we be our own friend?
Reese Brown (31:37.89)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (31:47.842)
Hmmmm
Reese Brown (31:52.758)
Yeah, it's making me think of this philosophical idea. I want to say it's Heidegger, but I don't want to say that convincingly and then be wrong. So I'll have to research it and quote it in the description. But this idea of being is becoming, right? Before we can be fully loving of the self, we can embody the becoming through these acts, through these
Tamar (32:12.717)
Mm.
Tamar (32:20.471)
Yes.
Reese Brown (32:20.878)
moments of care through this practice in both the kind of spiritual understanding of practice, but I think when you traditionally think of practice as a sport, it's like, no, you show up, you do the work, you practice it, right? It's those, they're actually the same thing. And that in that practice is actually when we stumble into the self love. That's actually when we are loving the self and that through that becoming, we are already
Tamar (32:34.915)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (32:50.664)
in the being of it all, that there is some sort of nuance there that I think is really beautiful and allows hopefully for some self-grace through the process too, right? That as you stumble through the practice, it's like you're on the journey, you're on the path and it's okay to stumble if it does start with just the morning. And I think I also want to urge listeners if something
Tamar (33:02.082)
Yeah. Yeah.
Reese Brown (33:17.32)
that has been said or brought up as something to try and there's a hesitation or a snag in the self, pay attention to it. Maybe not have to go out and do it right away, but investigate it, sit with it, meditate on it. Where is that snag from? Because I know for me, even the idea of telling a barista, hey, it's my birthday. It's like immediately I have this,
I couldn't do that. Why? Why does that feel bad to me? Right? And so I think, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Tamar (33:49.176)
Yeah.
Yeah, or scary, scary, feels scary. Yeah. And yeah, and you know, I love what you say about practice. And so maybe for those of your listeners that are, that have a hard time with their birthdays, rather than saying, okay, I'm going to have a happier birthday, which is how about practicing having a happier birthday? Don't, know, because if you're practicing, you may not succeed, but at least you tried. Right. And so there's a lot less pressure when I say I'm going to practice having a happier birthday. So I love that. So thank you for sharing that. I'm going to
that into my brain and use that because I think it's really useful. And also in my workbook, there's a lot of questions about why I might not enjoy my birthdays, what kind of issues come up for me. And so that kind of self investigation, I think is essential to understand why we don't have happy birthdays. I don't think that we can have a happier birthday unless we understand what our block and hesitancy is. For some of us, especially women, there can be challenges around aging.
Reese Brown (34:29.879)
Yeah.
Tamar (34:46.522)
And, I will say again, I'm 59 years old. There's a lot of, we know that there's your entire industry's built around keeping us forever young. We know that advertising and messaging influencers, it's all about, you know, staying as young as possible. think that's a big lie that everyone's buying into. Some of us aren't, but this idea that younger is better is just not true. And we're not doing anybody any favors, especially ourselves, if we hope to live a long life by adopting that belief and perpetuating it.
and being ashamed of ourselves as we age, as if age is a four-letter word. I've heard that women, when they turn 40 and 50, a lot of them don't want to celebrate their birthdays. Again, they don't want to acknowledge they're getting older. To them, it's a loss of power. And I want to just turn that on its head and say, actually, I am more powerful now at the age of 59 than I was when I was 29. Sure, I've got silver hair coming in, I've got my wrinkles, and I've changed physically. And sure, I've got more aches and pains and all of that. There's some real stuff going on there with aging. I don't want to minimize that.
Reese Brown (35:26.53)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (35:33.89)
Absolutely.
Tamar (35:45.152)
But the internal relationship I have with myself and the work that I do in the world is as vibrant as it's ever been and it's even better. So I just want to acknowledge that sometimes our problems with our birthday is just cultural fear. Like I don't want to acknowledge that I'm a year older because it means I'm losing something. And one of the questions in the workbook is what do I think I'm losing as I age? And you actually are losing stuff as you age. You are.
Reese Brown (35:53.899)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (36:01.996)
Yeah, absolutely.
Tamar (36:13.794)
You know, I'm not running up and climbing jungle gyms like I did when I was a kid. I'm not, it's actually, you know, it's not a good idea for me to do that anymore physically. So, okay, I'm not doing that. I'm doing other stuff now that I didn't do when I was younger, that I can do now that I couldn't do when I was younger. So I think that, you know, I think it's important to acknowledge that there can be grief as we age, loss of an earlier version of ourself, but there's still things that we can still have as we age that are part of our essential nature from day one.
Reese Brown (36:20.962)
Great.
Reese Brown (36:33.868)
Hmm.
Tamar (36:43.15)
till the end that doesn't go away and that there are new things we have as we age. And so that the workbook asks literally those questions so that we can unpack what our resistance is to celebrating ourselves and celebrating our birthdays.
Reese Brown (36:55.938)
Mmm, I think that's so beautiful and I actually have a question about this specifically that I want to ask but before I get into it I would be remiss if we didn't acknowledge your your little friend that you have. Is this sweet pea?
Tamar (37:06.702)
Sweet Pea, no Sweet Pea sleeping in the fireplace. There's a little bed. This is Sassy. She's cute, isn't she? Yeah, she is. She's a wonderful dog. She was barking a little earlier. She was excited about the themed birthdays. So now we're, yes. So now we're, keeping her calm and quiet. Yeah.
Reese Brown (37:10.85)
my goodness, Sassy, she's so precious.
Reese Brown (37:21.154)
She's excited. We get it. We'll forgive her. Yes. Okay. Back to aging. But she's so precious. I could not acknowledge. But yes, with the beauty of aging, this is something, again, that you touch on in the book and the workbook. it is so important, especially for women. And I think this idea of self-love and being...
Tamar (37:28.462)
you
Tamar (37:32.216)
Thank you.
Reese Brown (37:48.072)
self-effacing and taking care of others is also a deeply, not that it doesn't impact men, of course it does too, but I think that it's, there's something about this experience that is also uniquely feminine in this idea of identity being tied up in nurturing, in taking care. And I think aging similarly, not that it doesn't impact men, but it's very different for men than it is for women. And as
Tamar (38:04.056)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (38:16.116)
I was going through the book and thinking about birthday as this celebration. And you mentioned through our conversation and in the book, the only things were guaranteed are death and this 24 hours a year to celebrate our birthday, right? These are the unifiers. And I started thinking about how a birthday is, yes, a celebration of birth, but it is also in a way a celebration of death, of letting go what is behind us, of...
Tamar (38:42.444)
Yeah. Yes.
Reese Brown (38:45.97)
moving forward into who we are becoming into this new year of who we are, celebrating the growth of the last year and being excited for what's to come. But it is also this marker of things that we have lost and this marker of grief. I think similarly to the holidays, birthdays and like Christmas and Thanksgiving are these times that we feel grief the most strongly because it's when
Tamar (39:05.506)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (39:15.842)
you notice the most when, for me, grandma isn't there anymore, right? That is when it really sticks out. What are your thoughts about how a birthday can be both a celebration and a remembrance, but also celebration of the things we have lost? it can be both and? And perhaps how that relates to this idea of aging too.
Tamar (39:20.874)
Yeah. Yeah.
Tamar (39:44.544)
Yeah, and you know what you said literally just brought tears to my eyes because my parents are no longer on the planet. And when my birthday comes.
I have pictures of them on my altar because I love them so much and they're not here anymore. And they're the ones who brought me here, right? Without them, I wouldn't have been born. And I feel them. know their spirits are with me. I know they love me. I know they're cheering me on from the spirit world, but I miss them. And so a birthday really reminds me that they're not here, you know? And so yeah, birthdays are an opportunity for us to say, where am I in my life? Who's not here anymore? Who should have been here to wish me a happy birthday, but they're not.
And who's left? know, my parents are gone, but I have five wonderful, young, adorable grand nieces who are filling my life with joy. I don't have kids myself, but I've got grand nieces. And so I've got the joy coming from a new generation of beings that are here that I love and that love me. So it's turning your attention to what's here, not, you know, not to forget what you've lost, but to focus on what's here and what's new and what's different and what's wonderful. And they can both coexist.
Reese Brown (40:48.204)
Hmm.
Tamar (40:49.366)
And I think a birthday is very powerful time to self-reflect. And I think a lot of people feel that intuitively, which is why they can start crying before their birthday comes. They can start feeling anxious. Even if they like their birthdays, there can be this feeling of dis-ease because there's some resolution that needs to happen. Almost like New Year's, know, when December wraps up, we can feel like it's coming to a close before a new year begins. Well, our birthday is our personal New Year. So you could imagine that whenever your birthday is,
Reese Brown (41:15.895)
Hmm.
Tamar (41:17.976)
then the weeks and days leading up to it that you're to start feeling a rapid sort of closing up of this year that's coming to an end before your personal new year begins. And there's energy there. And it's for you to do with what you choose and what you can do with it. But, you know, I'm 59, I turned 60 in January. 60 is a big one. It's a big one. It's a big one. And, you know, as a friend who's now in his seventies said, he goes, you know, you're no longer middle-aged when you turn 60.
Reese Brown (41:29.634)
Mm.
Tamar (41:45.068)
I thought, wow, that's exactly right. And it's okay. I'm okay heading into my senior years, but it means there's less life ahead of me for sure. And so kind of like what you said that having a birthday reminds you that in some ways you're one year closer to the end of your life. Memento Mori, Remember That I Will Die, helps me actually be more present with the life I'm living. And believe me, it does. I keep thinking of Bonnie Raitt's song. She had a line. She says, life gets mighty precious when there's less of it to waste.
Reese Brown (42:15.138)
Hmm.
Tamar (42:15.278)
And that's how I feel every year that I age and I get closer to the end of my life. I realized like, okay, what do want to do with the rest of my time here? And I can't maybe map out the next 20 years, but I can map out the next coming year. And that's what birthdays let us do. What do want to do this coming year as I wrap up being 59 and I head into being 60? And those are really important questions to ask. What I don't want to do is I don't want to wake up one day and be, know, 69 or 79 and say, well, what have I been doing? Where have I been? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Reese Brown (42:26.955)
Yeah.
Tamar (42:45.004)
I wasn't paying attention and time's over. I don't get that time back. So I think birthdays are a great opportunity to tune in and ask yourself, are you living the life you want to live? Does your life have the purpose and the meaning that you crave? If so, hooray, keep doing it. You want to make some adjustments? What are they? Use your birthday as a springboard for making those changes and don't, you know, and give it a one year timeline. So when your timeline until your next birthday.
Reese Brown (42:47.201)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (43:12.022)
Yeah, there really is that beautiful built in kind of check in there. Before I move on, thank you for sharing that so vulnerably. I do really appreciate that. And I think that really will resonate with a lot of people. Because I think that similarly, like death is the grand unifier. If we have not experienced it in a family member or a pet or something yet, we will. That is just the...
Tamar (43:39.01)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (43:41.65)
natural process of life. So I appreciate you sharing that and also sharing how you use that to celebrate these connections too. I think that's really beautiful. One of my English teachers in high school always said that he got his mom a gift on his birthday every year. And I thought that that was just so lovely, right? But it's like, yes, it's also like such a moment of that of...
Tamar (44:00.95)
Yes! Yay!
Yes.
Reese Brown (44:11.04)
like the trauma that your mother's body went through to bring you into this world. Like that is so real. Another thing I want to talk about with this kind of built in check mark that birthdays bring and the power that those can have for us and really the reflective power and feeling that build up as you go, like the week before your birthday. And it's kind of like chugging up the roller coaster. As an astrologer,
Tamar (44:13.934)
Yeah. Yeah.
Tamar (44:37.997)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (44:40.778)
What is so powerful to you about these specific moments in time? What is the energy around birthdays that we feel tied to? Of course, there is this kind of date, but we could have been born on any day. Why do you think it is that we still feel a resonance with that moment in our lives? the Virgo full moon lunar eclipse was just a few days ago and
Tamar (44:57.282)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (45:10.23)
boy, was that day weird for me. Like it just, felt different. And we're in Venus retrograde right now, Mercury retrograde, and whether or not listeners may believe in the energy of these things or not, I think it's interesting to notice the global trends that take place around these times. yeah, so that's, I suppose, my two cents on a broader astrological spectrum, but as an astrologer, what is that?
energetic tie to this momentous day besides just the date.
Tamar (45:47.959)
Well, you know, as souls, we choose the moment of our birth, whether we're preemies or late or whatever, caesarean section, we're fully aware of how that's going to be when it happens. And in that moment that we take our first breath, that we become embodied in our physical form, the planets are in a certain place in the sky. They're there. And they exert certain psychic forces that help create a blueprint for the life that we have chosen to live.
I don't understand how this works. don't understand why it works. just have seen that it does work. And so when I look at a person's birth chart and I see where the planets are, I can see the certain tendencies they have in this lifetime that help shape and guide the life that they're choosing to live, that their soul is choosing to live. Some of us manifest and self-realize, some of us don't. Some of us are living up to that potential. That's okay, it's a life to have. But some of us are, and it can be seen in the chart what your potential is and what your tendencies are.
Reese Brown (46:29.804)
Mm.
Tamar (46:43.404)
Where you choose to put your sun sign in any given part of the chart, charts broken up into different areas and what sign you're born under actually influences how you radiate your core being in this world. How you shine, how I shine literally like the sun, how I generate my warmth, my being, my ego. And so your birthday literally is a solar return. On my birthday, my sun sign is sitting exactly at the spot it was when I was born and it's lighting up.
that beingness of who I am. And it's saying, I'm bringing some light and some warmth to who you are and who you were born to be. And to me, that's the beauty of the birthday. Astrologically speaking, the sun's coming back, checking in on itself saying, hey, are you being who you want to be? Are you being who you were born to be? Those are some of the questions that I ask myself with each birthday that comes and each chapter that comes because, you know, as we age, we change.
Reese Brown (47:30.274)
Mmm.
Tamar (47:40.078)
That's for real. you know, turning 60 is going to be very different than turning 40. It's going be very different than turning 20. And so it's going to be very different than turning 80. So let's acknowledge that wherever we are at whatever stage and stage we're at, that there's a different way to be in a different meaning to it. And that solar return, astrologically speaking, lights up that day for us.
Reese Brown (47:45.292)
Mm-hmm.
Reese Brown (48:01.878)
Hmm, that's so beautiful. I love that image. And I think for me, the more I learn about my birth chart, it's so fascinating to reflect on the aspects of self that I really resonate with at different times. And as I've gotten older, I've really begun to kind of shift how I see my rising sign. And it's like, that really shows up in this area. And my moon was way more present when I was...
Tamar (48:17.71)
Mm-hmm.
Reese Brown (48:30.004)
a kid than it is now and like all the different meanings around that.
Tamar (48:58.208)
you know, I believe we have a lot of lifetimes and so, you know, being a Capricorn in this lifetime.
Reese Brown (49:01.225)
Yes.
Reese Brown (49:06.869)
Okay.
Reese Brown (49:11.916)
There you go.
Tamar (49:22.318)
means something very differently than maybe having had a past life as a cancer or a Pisces, you know? And so the Capricorn archetype is, you know, very much someone who wants to get things done and achieve things. And I'm grateful for that because this is a life where I've been able to get a lot done. I suspect I've had some past lives. I've been a mother of maybe nine children working really hard, not having a lot of my own agency.
Reese Brown (49:24.674)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (49:29.676)
Mm-hmm.
Tamar (49:45.068)
you know, this is a lifetime for me to have a different kind of incarnation and experience of my soul can keep evolving and growing through each lifetime. And we choose, we choose very carefully our, the time and place of our birth, the parents and the family we're born into. mean, it's some pretty serious stuff, this choice of being born into a life and, know, and, some people that were born into highly dysfunctional families, can question why would I ever choose to be born into that family? There was a lot of pain, a lot of pain there.
Reese Brown (49:46.613)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (49:59.016)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Tamar (50:13.83)
And I just suggest that it's there for whatever reasons you can determine and to whatever kind of healing you can bring to the situation, even if it's just to yourself through the difficulty of having had those early years under the influence of people who didn't really know what they were doing or didn't do it well or actually created serious harm. You know, I'm sorry that that happened, but you know, just, you know, it's yours now. So what are you going to do with it? And how do you transform that? That's your journey now. And that will, that process can help your soul evolve.
Reese Brown (50:21.91)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (50:36.556)
Right.
Reese Brown (50:43.714)
Yes, absolutely. And you perfectly answered the question that I didn't even know how to properly ask. So thank you for your wisdom there. And I know you mentioned that you don't quite have a full conception of all of the ways that, you know, the planets may work and how we necessarily choose our birth chart and how we land, but that you've seen this to be true, that it comes
Tamar (51:12.812)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Reese Brown (51:13.292)
to bear very strongly. How does that bring meaning to you and in, of course your work is much broader than just astrology, but how is that defined or supported your definition of meaning and the way that you make meaning in this life and help others make meaning too?
Tamar (51:36.054)
You know, when I give someone an astrology reading and I help them understand that the tendencies they have in this lifetime were there from the moment they were born, that it wasn't just, you know, good parenting or bad parenting or circumstance, but actually know this, you're like this for a reason and this is who you are. And so it gives them actual permission to continue being themselves without struggling anymore. you know, I have just for some self self, exposure here.
Reese Brown (51:44.898)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (52:00.183)
Wow.
Tamar (52:04.374)
I have something in my chart and it's on my personal website. I show my chart and I don't, I'm happy to do that. But I remember when I had my chart read when I was 19, the astrologer said, said, you have a tendency to be controlling, to want to be in control. And he was right, I did. And I always thought that that was a bad thing and that it was like a neurosis from childhood. And I needed to deal with it and conquer it and stop it. And I've since come to learn.
how grateful I am for this strong planetary influence in my life to want to be in control. Because what I've been able to do is manifest the life I want to have under my own control. I've been able to do that beautifully, right? From the big to the little, what I've learned to do is to not control other people. Because I tried doing that too, right? So it's like, okay, I can have as much control in my life over the things I can control, but I certainly can't control my husband. That's not appropriate. And I've had to learn that lesson.
Reese Brown (52:39.074)
Mmm.
Tamar (52:58.946)
That wasn't a lesson I learned right away. But when he said at the age, again, I was 19, you have a tendency to want to be in control and to be controlling. I felt so much cosmic harmony, like, this is who I am. I don't have to fight it anymore or think it's just some bad trait. So that really gave me permission to just be who I am, but to consciously work with my, you you can have tendencies to be a leader, but that doesn't mean that you're always leading everybody. means, you know, give, space for others, but just know that when the time comes.
Reese Brown (53:20.534)
Right.
Reese Brown (53:24.545)
Right.
Tamar (53:28.182)
lead, right? So I feel like astrology is really powerful to help us understand ourselves better. There shouldn't, you know, in some ways there shouldn't be any surprises when you get an astrology reading. Maybe, maybe not. But it's like, yeah, I recognize that about myself. I recognize that about myself. And maybe sometimes there are surprises like, I didn't realize that. But now that you mention it, that's a really good point. I'm going to have to give that more thought. And so I was giving a reading to somebody a few weeks ago. He's like, well, that
Reese Brown (53:50.646)
Right.
Tamar (53:57.506)
Doesn't that sound like it could be anybody? You know, I'm like, well, not really. There's plenty of people that aren't like that, you know, but it's just, was so natural to him that he just assumed everybody was like that. was like, no, no, not everybody's like that at all. No. Yeah. So.
Reese Brown (54:04.566)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (54:09.95)
No. Right, right. Yeah. That's really wonderful. And I think I completely agree. And it's so interesting in the beautiful way that knowing that something is kind of in and of your nature, it doesn't mean that you have to fall victim to it, like you said, but that there is the opposite side of that coin that is when you're not fighting it, you can allow it to work.
for you in the way that you can step into a healthier expression of that. Very similarly to, one of my great mentors always said, your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. And I will never forget, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, you are one of the most selfless people I've ever met. You are also very selfless. And I was like,
Tamar (54:40.44)
Yeah.
Tamar (54:45.848)
Yes.
Tamar (54:54.156)
Yes, yes.
Reese Brown (55:05.778)
I need to go figure out who myself is and working with both of those aspects, right? I do want to also ask in line with this kind of helping people come into their own and live with meaning as well as kind of the crux of a lot of this work that you do, both astrology and birthdays. And I think birthdays is such a beautiful kind of intersection of
Tamar (55:09.944)
Yeah.
Tamar (55:13.922)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (55:35.786)
all of these things, right? The main theme that I really felt in reading the book and working through the workbook was self-love, as, and of course that's kind of been the theme of our conversation here. Why is self-love important? And I know that that may seem like a trite question, but I think it's something that has just become so easy to kind of like self-care, self-love, do your face mask and bubble bath and...
Tamar (55:37.325)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (56:05.18)
you need it, like put your own oxygen mask on first and it's become really easy to understand that it's like, okay, yes, I need to do these things, but actually you should still be self-effacing and not need these things. Yeah, so talk to me a little bit about why self-love is actually important and what that really looks like in a real way.
Tamar (56:17.986)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Tamar (56:31.756)
Yeah, to me, my definition of self-love for me is being my own best friend. Like life is just more fun when I have a great relationship with myself. I get my own jokes, you know, right? I like, I want what I want for dinner. I agree with myself on that, you know? Like I agree with everything that I want, like, good choice. I like that. you know, can we have an inner best friend and can it be us? And that's a form of self-love that I think is...
Reese Brown (56:37.986)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (56:43.07)
Yeah.
Tamar (57:01.21)
I like that definition because it puts us in the position of being our own friend versus being like, I love you. You know, it's like, no, I just like you. I like you. Right. I like me. I like, I like me. And thank God I do. Cause I'm stuck with me. Right. I'm stuck with me, not just in this life, but every other, I'm it. Right. I'm it forever. This soul that I've, that's inhabiting this lifetime. And the more that I can make peace with the soul that's inside this person I'm inhabiting, the more pleasant.
Reese Brown (57:05.25)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (57:09.259)
Yeah.
Tamar (57:30.282)
I can have an experience being physical on the planet, know, being physical, being a spirit who's physical on the material plane. You said something earlier that I wanted to go back to about self-love, self-care and why it matters. You know why it matters? Because when we don't love ourselves, I'll tell you what happens. We become mean people and we say mean things and we want to find our own sense of power through being negative, through being nasty, through being mean, you know, those
Reese Brown (57:33.175)
Mm.
Reese Brown (57:49.826)
Mmm.
Tamar (57:57.454)
trolls that post things on the internet that are just violent and mean and they're not loving themselves. I can tell you right now, those are not people that enjoy their own company, that love themselves. They may be angry at something and I'm not saying anger is not valid and useful for sure, but I believe that there's a lot of people when they don't like themselves and actively hate themselves, they put that energy out into the world. So to me, if you want to make the world a better place, literally start with yourself.
Reese Brown (58:22.049)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (58:26.315)
Yeah.
Tamar (58:26.478)
start having a kinder relationship with yourself, a more understanding and loving relationship with yourself, and that helps send a different energy into the universe, literally, of a more healing vibration. And I don't, you when I'm saying loving yourself, I'm not saying being so self-centered to the point that you're a narcissist, you're not thinking of other people, right? We're not going to the extreme there either. I'm talking about just...
Reese Brown (58:37.687)
Yeah.
Tamar (58:51.042)
You know, establish a warm, positive, friendly relationship with yourself and take yourself by the hand and go through life together and use your birthday as an opportunity to say, friend, self, what do you want to do today? What do you want to do? Let's do it. Let's go have some fun. I also want to mention something else that's very powerful that's going on. speaking of the internet, Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love. She started a sub stack called Letters from Love.
Reese Brown (59:08.066)
Please.
Tamar (59:16.31)
And for the past 25 years, every morning she wakes up and she says, dear love, what would you have me know right now? And she lets the spirit of unconditional love write to her, whatever it wants to say. And the words that come through are amazing, spiritual, uplifting, profound. And she's invited other people to do this writing exercise every week. And so she has guests come on and people post their letters in the comment section.
Reese Brown (59:27.434)
Hmm.
Tamar (59:40.558)
And what's amazing is the wisdom and the love and the generosity and the kindness that comes through these letters that people are writing, imagining that love is talking to them. And I encourage everybody listening to try this exercise. And it's okay if you don't believe that love's actually writing the letter. It's okay. doesn't matter. Just do it anyway and see what comes through, see what comes through. I've been
Reese Brown (59:55.33)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (01:00:02.912)
Right.
Tamar (01:00:07.68)
I've participated, I've witnessed, and I can say consistently, the kindest, most supportive and loving and nurturing voices come through these people's letters. And so if you want to start practicing having a more loving relationship with yourself, give love a voice. Ask yourself, dear love, what would you have me know right now? And let's see what it says to you and start there. That's a very simple exercise that you can try to actually see what comes through and start with that.
Reese Brown (01:00:23.778)
Wow.
Reese Brown (01:00:35.712)
Yeah, that is so beautiful. And I am a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert. Yes, her book, Big Magic, like completely reframed the way I think about creativity and creative work and life and all of the things. So I, and I didn't even know about, I knew she had a sub stack, but I didn't know about this other community. So now I have a fun research writing project for me too.
Tamar (01:00:41.76)
is wonderful.
Tamar (01:00:46.85)
Yes.
Tamar (01:01:00.878)
Check it out. Yeah. Yeah.
Reese Brown (01:01:05.526)
but I wanna be mindful of our time. So moving into my last few questions, first and foremost, thank you so much. Links to How to Have a Happy Birthday, the Happy Birthday Workbook, and of course to your website and anything else that you may want to plug will be in the description box down below wherever listeners are listening or watching. Please go support Tamar and her work. But...
I want to make sure my second to last question, penultimate question is, what did I miss? We've had a wonderful conversation, but in light of this, of course there are things that we cannot touch on. We only have a brief moment together. So is there anything that you want to clarify, emphasize, or bring up that we haven't touched on yet?
Tamar (01:02:00.098)
Thank you. Yeah, you know, I've heard people that, you know, they've read the book, they get really excited and they want to give it as a gift. And they say, this would make the best birthday present. And I say, yes, except don't give it to somebody on their birthday. Give it to them six weeks ahead of time. So I'm giving you an early birthday present, read it now, and then go have a happy birthday. You know, it's right. Give it to the person six weeks in advance so they can put it to work. I remember I once read a book about, you know, something about birthdays and like,
Reese Brown (01:02:19.505)
I love that.
Tamar (01:02:28.878)
you know, that idea of like taking a spiritual moment to get grounded. And it really resonated with me. I read that literally a week after my birthday had come and gone. And I'm like, oh no, I have to wait 51 weeks to put this into practice. I was a little frustrated. Like I want to put like good idea. I want to put it to work now. And so, um, you know, let, give people, them up for success. If you're going to gift somebody the book and the workbook, set them up for success, give it six weeks in advance. And hopefully that that'll help, help them have a happier birthday.
Reese Brown (01:02:48.608)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (01:02:57.174)
What a perfect thing to add. didn't even think about it, but it makes perfect sense. My very last question for you, just to hopefully put a bow on our conversation, what is one word that describes how you are feeling right now?
Tamar (01:03:17.578)
Expanded, expansive. You know, I feel like we talked about a lot and my spirit feels expanded through the conversation. You know, we, through any part of our day, we, we, we expand or contract our energy and having this type of conversation that's meaningful and uplifting and deep really expands my spirit and makes me feel like I'm living the life I'm supposed to be living and helping share insights and invitations to people.
Reese Brown (01:03:30.549)
Hmm.
Tamar (01:03:46.415)
to help them have happier lives by starting by having a happier birthday and or practice having a happier birthday. And so I just feel grateful, know, grateful for sure, but expanded. I feel expanded. So I want to thank you for this wonderful and warm welcome and for being such a great conversationalist and really, you know, I feel like it's a dance that we do when we step into conversation like this on these podcasts. And I just really enjoyed following your lead and, and, and, know, seeing what kind of, what kind of, came up.
Reese Brown (01:03:54.114)
Great.
Reese Brown (01:03:57.89)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (01:04:14.728)
Absolutely, no, I cannot thank you enough for your time, your energy, this work. I certainly am looking forward to September 8th when I get to put these things into practice as well. And yes, I'm just so thankful.