Alchemizing Trauma into Golden Growth with Trainer Raine Nox
Raine Nox (00:43.727)
I would also like to be up front. I'm feeling a little nervous about all this, so yeah, we're going into it anyways.
Reese Brown (00:50.99)
Absolutely.
Reese Brown (00:55.598)
Okay.
I so appreciate you being honest about that and owning it. And it is a nervous thing and I appreciate you being here. Yeah, and doing that. Absolutely. Oh my gosh, absolutely. I'm so excited to have this conversation. Okay, so to get started, one, thank you so much for being here, Rain. I am really, really excited to be having this conversation with you.
Raine Nox (01:09.839)
Thank you. Thanks for having me.
Reese Brown (01:26.126)
and learn more about you and your story. And the first question that I always do just to kind of set the tone of the podcast before we get into anything a little deeper is just what's one thing you're grateful for right now?
Raine Nox (01:40.559)
I am happy to be here. I...
Reese Brown (01:43.054)
Ugh, I am happy that you're here.
Raine Nox (01:46.511)
This has been, I did a meditation walk the other day and it kind of made me realize how fortunate I am to be here. And not to get into too deep a stuff like right off the bat, but that's kind of how my mind goes. A lot of the people who have walked a similar path of me has not survived. And so I'm very fortunate. I'm very pleased to be here.
Reese Brown (01:56.942)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (02:01.454)
Sure.
Reese Brown (02:14.255)
I am so glad that you are here as well. And to honor that you wanna hop right in, of course, I love hopping into the deep stuff too. The second question I always ask is, what is your story? However you want to interpret that, whatever you feel comfortable sharing, I would love to hear your story.
Raine Nox (02:26.659)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (02:33.007)
Okay, okay.
I think to start off the bat, a couple bits about me is that, well, two things. I'm transgender and I'm also autistic. And so those two things definitely color my life in quite considerable ways. Now to begin with, I guess in the context of what has really led me to where I'm at, it's hard to talk about that without talking first about my home life.
Reese Brown (03:03.053)
Mm.
Raine Nox (03:06.319)
Sorry.
Reese Brown (03:07.503)
No, you're okay.
Raine Nox (03:10.767)
And so my home life was not the greatest. I had very much a toxic family environment. If you've ever read about kind of toxic family dynamics, the one that I fell into was the scapegoat. And so basically what that means is that I was the most sensitive one out of my family unit, which means that I also was very aware of all of the emotional inner workings of my family, which also meant that I also had to hold it all as well.
Reese Brown (03:26.158)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (03:40.673)
So I'm going to be weird about like I don't know when to stop talking and when to continue. Also, that's the autistic stuff. So if like it just interjects, I'm going to keep talking. If you want to say something, please stop me. Okay.
Reese Brown (03:42.128)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (03:48.399)
Oh!
Reese Brown (03:54.671)
No, absolutely. I'm bad at interrupting, so I absolutely will jump in if I have anything. But as much as you feel called to talk, I feel called to listen. So please, however much, continue. I would love to hear it.
Raine Nox (04:10.255)
Yeah, and so in that family dynamic that put a lot of stress on me. I was very much raised in such a way that I was expected to be.
Effectively, the protector, the alpha, all of that stuff. My nickname as a child was the young buck. And it was, I was very much put in a position in which I remember at eight years old having a conversation that my family was now my responsibility to take care of. And so I had my brother, a brother and sister, and then I also had my father. And so my father did a lot of traveling. And when he left, I was told time and time again, that it's my responsibility to take care of them. I don't
Reese Brown (04:24.751)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (04:49.003)
know how you expect an eight -year -old to take care of an entire family, not really knowing anything that's really happening, but basically the entirety of... Oh yeah, yeah. I can hear you. Okay. Oh, you're okay. You're okay. Yeah.
Reese Brown (04:58.671)
Can you still hear me?
Oh, we cut out for just a moment. So sorry about that. Okay, perfect. Let's go from where you said that when your father would leave for travel, you were responsible for taking care of your family.
Raine Nox (05:17.327)
Yeah, and as a child, I had no idea what that meant. And to be honest, to this day, I still have really no idea what that really meant. I don't know how you expect an eight -year -old child to take care of anybody in any capacity. And on top of that, I was very small as a child. Put it in perspective, I entered high school weighing about 90 pounds, about 5 '7". Yeah, I was very small. And so, yeah, yeah. And so I was put in a very weird position.
Reese Brown (05:38.862)
Wow.
Raine Nox (05:47.233)
And on top of that, my family very clearly weren't necessarily interested in their mental health or progressing themselves or working on themselves or being aware of their emotions in any capacity. And so that meant a lot of denial, a lot of avoidance, and a lot of that stuff got put on me. And what that ended up happening,
Reese Brown (05:54.788)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (06:10.095)
What ended up transpiring as the result of that is I first attempted suicide whenever I was nine years old. And I didn't learn that that was kind of unheard of until I later on in my life, and we'll probably get there where I was in an inpatient facility. And I talked about that. And I remember saying that looking around and seeing everybody have shocked faces. And I'm just like, I didn't know that.
Reese Brown (06:20.974)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (06:40.001)
that that was a kind of weird thing. Yeah, I mean, I know suicide was abnormal, but to that young, that is wild, that's wild.
Reese Brown (06:42.786)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (06:50.064)
Right.
Raine Nox (06:51.503)
And yeah, and so like I had a lot of issues growing up dealing with my emotions and for a long period, I would have said that I didn't feel anything outside of depression, anxiety, anger and hate. And that's really all I could feel because I was not given space to feel otherwise. And that particularly came to a head whenever I was 12 years old. I told my father I hated him for the first time and he responded by
Reese Brown (07:06.35)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (07:20.943)
Mm.
Raine Nox (07:21.473)
attempting to murder me. And I, yeah, yeah, it was, it was really wild. I don't know. I, I still don't know how like, I spent a lot of time thinking about that event. And I mean, I don't know how you can't, basically the definition of PTSD, but at the hands of your father, and then also in the same room as my brother and sister at the time, and to stop to stop him, my brother jumped on my dad's back and beat him in the head until he stopped.
Reese Brown (07:24.653)
Wow.
Reese Brown (07:39.215)
Right.
Raine Nox (07:50.607)
And then after that, that event was not spoken about for probably seven or eight years. And so that entire event was put on me. And then to double down on it, whenever that did come, sorry, I'm kind of going out of timeline, but whenever that did come out and we,
Reese Brown (08:02.959)
Wow.
Reese Brown (08:14.319)
No, you're perfect.
Raine Nox (08:19.439)
The initial question that whenever my mother learned about this, the initial question my mom asked me was, well, what did you say to him? What did you do to make him do that? And I'm like, I am a 12 year old child. Like at that time I could, I was probably around 80 pounds, maybe less. I'm like, I don't know what, what? I don't know how, yeah. And so it was seemingly like growing up, everything was my fault. All of my.
Reese Brown (08:40.56)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (08:44.272)
It's the classic victim blaming phraseology and behavior, right? Yeah.
Raine Nox (08:49.199)
Yes, it's like the, there's an acronym, it's called DARVO, it's Deny, Accused, Reverse, Victim, and Offender. And so people in positions of power, as soon as you're like, hey, that's wrong, they're like, wait a second, what did you do to me to make me do that to you? And it's like, oh, yeah, yeah, it's like the narcissist serenity prayer, like that, I always find that hilarious. But yeah, yeah, and so.
Reese Brown (09:05.84)
It's not my fault. Yeah.
Reese Brown (09:12.368)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (09:15.279)
that certainly colored a lot of my childhood. And that continued on there. And that was really, a little bit before that is really whenever my dad started calling me that nickname, the young buck, because the way that he saw the familial unit was that I was supposed to take over the helm of the family if he was to ever die or pass away or whatever, or not be there. And in that capacity, he also began to see it as we were rivals.
And he, all of our interactions were in terms of rivalry. And like it was hard playing games with him because if I won, he was pissed off. But if he won, he made sure to push me through the floor and to teach me a lesson. And so like it goes. Yeah.
Reese Brown (09:45.358)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (09:59.728)
Oh yeah. So to interject with a question real quick, I'm sure that this is, you were the oldest child, yes? Okay, I assumed so, but I just wanted to make sure. Please continue on the rivalry. Yeah.
Raine Nox (10:07.919)
Yeah, yeah.
Raine Nox (10:12.591)
Yeah. Yeah. And so, yeah. And so, like, I, like, that's clearly not a safe space for a child to exist in. That's not a safe space for someone to even have a childhood. And I have often, yeah, I have often referred to my childhood as a sense of duty or a tour of duty more than anything else. And so before I could be anything, I had to be a warrior.
Reese Brown (10:26.288)
Right.
Reese Brown (10:34.608)
Wow.
Raine Nox (10:37.031)
And then that really came to a head whenever I was 15 and my dad tried to kill me again. And this time though, I pulled a knife on him. And it was that day that he recognized that...
we were now equals. And I had the same capacity for violence and fear that he did. And that I have spent, okay, hold on, I'm cry.
Reese Brown (11:08.561)
You're more than fine. You take whatever time you need.
Raine Nox (11:14.735)
I have spent a very long time learning how to love that piece of myself because that piece of myself is very dark. And that day was very intense because it was a multi -fold of things happening. And hilariously, it happened over whether or not a light switch would be on and off. And it's like just to point out like the ridiculousness of it. For my dad, it was all about this concept of respect.
And the way that he defined respect is doing whatever he said, no matter how it hurt me, no matter what, how it affected anybody else. And I particularly have an issue with being told, well, do it because I told you so. No, like explain it to me. I'm smart enough to understand, tell me. And it just wasn't going to happen. And so I was very defiant.
Reese Brown (12:00.688)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (12:05.392)
Totally.
Raine Nox (12:10.415)
in that capacity. And then when that happened and I did move to defend myself, my mother got in between us and defended my father against me. And I have spent much of my life feeling very, very alone. And that was also the first time I experienced homelessness. My parents kicked me out of the house at 15 years old.
and I lived between friends' houses for about two weeks. And I had to figure out that stuff by myself. What's really funny, I heard someone articulate this the other day, and I didn't know I was autistic literally up until like a couple years ago. And looking back, it makes a lot of sense as to how things transpired, why things transpired.
There's an aspect of autism that I believe that I, this is very evident and it's referred to as PDA and it's pathological demand avoidance, but in the autistic community it is referred to as persistent desire for autonomy. And I am very much that. And I want to be.
held to a standard in which we are equals, where you see me as having the capacity to understand, to act on my own regard, to be mentored and not forced or controlled. I can't handle that. And because in my experience, oftentimes, it's the result of people's egos. It's like beating a dog. Why would you do that? I just don't understand. But yeah. And so that's the way it is.
That was, again, another huge rift between me and my family. It was very clear that my family did not care about me in the same capacity that I cared about them. Because to me, they were my everything. But to them, I was terrifying because they could not control me. And I don't know.
Reese Brown (14:00.692)
understandably.
Raine Nox (14:24.099)
Whenever I moved back in, my father did not refer to me by name for probably two or three years. And so it was basically constant silent treatment. But after that point, my life got a little bit easier because at that point, my parents were afraid of me, which meant they left me alone.
And if I was able to be left alone, I could relax, I could go to school, I could do whatever I really wanted to do, which was honestly sleep and play video games without them fucking with me. And yeah, it breaks my heart that I had to be this person to protect myself.
Reese Brown (15:06.352)
No, you're good.
Raine Nox (15:15.631)
Um, hoo, hold on.
Reese Brown (15:18.128)
Yeah, no, you are more than fine. While you take a beat, I just want to interject and thank you for your vulnerability. We will continue on this conversation and I do want to hear more about everything that occurred after this, but to maybe dive into some of these concepts a little bit more if you're comfortable. One, again, thank you for your vulnerability and honesty with this. I think that...
Your story is a very important one and will help a lot of people in the sense that you said you spent much of your life feeling alone. If one other person feels like that, you know, and knows that there are people having these conversations that have made it through, I think that, um,
having these conversations are really important. So thank you for showing up and being in this space with me and doing that. One thing that I do want to talk a little bit more about is when you said learning to love those darker parts of yourself. I think that a lot of us have to learn to go through that, but maybe not quite on the same scale of being forced to be face to face with.
what you're capable of and what you have to do to survive, right? Any person's family of origin, you know, makes them develop certain coping mechanisms, but none quite as extreme as what you went through. Through the process of learning to love that part of yourself, what do you think allowed you to, you know, kind of wrap that inner child up in a hug and love that piece of you?
Raine Nox (17:09.647)
It took me a long time to understand what the purpose of anger was. For a very, very long period of my life, I lived my life in the context of spite. I'll show you how great I am. But the anger was always there. And...
Reese Brown (17:20.814)
Mm.
Raine Nox (17:26.831)
There was times whenever I was first really getting into fitness that what I would do is I would fixate on that feeling and that's how I would work out. And this was prior to me coming out and there was one day that I looked in the mirror and I saw that everything that I had created, my body, was a product of hate. And...
It was this revelatory moment in which I was like, I had to take a step back and recognize how far I'd become because what I saw in the mirror wasn't me. What I saw was my father. And...
Reese Brown (17:55.268)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (18:09.198)
Hmmmm
Raine Nox (18:09.807)
I was even more hurt by that. And to exist in such capacities of hate is just so hard. And as I've grown, I've learned what the role of anger is in life. And I've gotten to the point of almost reverence for my anger. And what anger is, is it teaches you where your boundaries are.
And it is the most fierce protector in the capacity of love. And it is trying to love you. And it has taken me so long to understand that because I was absolutely consumed by it for a very, very long time.
And once you start working your way out of it, there's a piece of you that detests it because it is so hurtful, both on the inside as well as the outside. And...
Reese Brown (19:04.653)
sure.
Yeah.
Raine Nox (19:12.079)
I have learned to really love that piece of me because that's the piece of me that has helped me get this far. Without that piece, I probably would not be here. And it is the piece of me that is the most developed, the most fierce, vicious, but also the most loving piece of me because it is the only thing that has really helped me. It's defended me. It showed me where my boundaries are. It has given me the capability to
Reese Brown (19:19.182)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (19:41.985)
abilities for a level of growth that I never thought possible. I was telling someone yesterday that I think that this is the best I've ever felt. And as my years have gone on, every year gets progressively better. And it's mind blowing, mind blowing. There was not a single day up until I was 27 that I did not consider killing myself. And
Reese Brown (19:54.284)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (20:11.855)
I spent three years not thinking about it and then I had a moment or a couple moments about a year and a half, two years ago where I thought about it again and now I'm about a year and a half past not having thought about it and I think that's one of my greatest achievements.
Reese Brown (20:31.438)
Absolutely. No, that's an amazing, amazing achievement. And to not only have gotten that far past it, but to use it as what fuels you and what allows you to help other people. For our audience that doesn't know, Rain is a fitness instructor and a motivational coach and really does a lot of great work for
the people in her life. And there's very few people that are able to channel something that is societally considered negative, hurtful, harmful into such growth, joy, productivity, and like beauty for the world around them through honoring the dichotomy of human existence that we are always both anger and love and you know.
Raine Nox (21:29.657)
joy and sorrow and pleasure and pain and all of the things. I think, I
Reese Brown (21:31.246)
Absolutely.
all of it, yes. And the depth of that sorrow allows for the bounty to come as well. But sorry, continue.
Raine Nox (21:43.895)
Absolutely, absolutely. There's a phrase that I heard several years ago that I have really, really latched onto. And it is, for your branches to reach heaven, your roots must first go to hell. And I have spent a lot of years in that space. And I have gotten to the point where, if life is a series of hills and valleys, everybody loves being on the peaks of the mountain, because it's beautiful. You can see the
Reese Brown (22:00.076)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (22:13.829)
world and all other kind of stuff. But to descend into the valley is scary because like in the Bible it says that's the valley of the shadow of death. It's terrifying because you can't see in front of you. You are guided by the inner spark alone or outside of yourself in some capacity. I have found that for me particularly my inner spark is my guiding light. I have spent many many years in the darkness to the point where this is
Reese Brown (22:29.646)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (22:43.681)
where it's safe. This is where I feel most comfortable, which is hilarious because it's also the point in which you have to grow and do really uncomfortable shit. And so I'm getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. And if that's not like the crux of yoga, the crux of Buddhism, like it's, I don't know what is. Like that's it. That's fucking it. And, yeah, sorry, go ahead.
Reese Brown (22:53.614)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Reese Brown (23:03.502)
Totally. That is it. Yeah. Well, no, no, no apologies. But also like with getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, not only is that the crux of like the joy of suffering of like Buddhism and a lot of Eastern thought, but also of any human being trying to traverse this life, right? Like,
I feel like so much suffering comes from resisting change and resisting the suffering when if you lean in, of course, there are certain things that you must do to protect yourself, but opening your arms to it and saying, bring it on. I can't control things. I can't control the cards that I'm dealt, the life that I've been, that is laid out before me, but I can control what I do with it. And.
kind of traversing that valley of the shadow of death. That is what in Vespok's Zarathustra, which is a Nietzsche book, the old wise man that is also considered the madman goes down alone. It is the solo hero's journey through that shadow of death and back out the other side where some call him crazy, some call him the one, right? But through that journey, which is alone,
which is suffering is also a beautiful openness that you must encounter to not only the darkest parts of humanity and the other, but the darkest parts of humanity in yourself. And I think that that is one of the most powerful things that your story illustrates is that not only were you able to survive, because like you said, not many have been able to do that. And that is...
really powerful, for lack of a better term, testimony, but to also thrive and find the expansion through that.
Raine Nox (25:10.319)
Absolutely. There is a book that was especially profound for me. It's called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. As you're aware, he just kind of explained it a little bit. He was a psychologist during the time of the Nazis and he was Jewish. And so he was put in concentration camp and the book is split into two parts. The first part is his personal experience. The second part is his psychological analysis of what kept these people going. And there are multiple components in this book that are especially profound for me.
Reese Brown (25:17.006)
Yeah.
Please.
Raine Nox (25:40.305)
profound for me. But one of the ones that really stood out, so before this time, the concept of existentialism was not quite a thing yet. And it really got established with this book about how applying purpose to things is what truly pushes people to grow, motivate, and be better versions of themselves. And so a lot of these people in the concentration camp, what he saw, and two things particularly, one thing was that the people who clung on to hope were the people who died the quickest.
Reese Brown (25:59.341)
Mm -hmm.
Raine Nox (26:09.679)
I have given up the concept of hope. Hope is self -flagellation. For myself, there is no hope. If you believe something outside of yourself is going to change the world, it's not going to change the world. It's just not going to happen. The only way to change the world is by you changing the world. And then on top of that,
Reese Brown (26:10.189)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (26:32.815)
The people who applied meaning to their suffering were willing to suffer as a testimony to their grit, to the reflection of their own souls, and they went much, much further. Many of them survived like that experience.
And so I have spent much of my life attaching meaning to why I have had to suffer to such a high, high degree. Because while that experience alone, my childhood alone was fucking insane, then I came out as transgender and then my whole world imploded again. I lost all, like whenever I came out, that was, so walk it back a little bit. So I had the opportunity to go to India back in 2014.
Reese Brown (26:55.535)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (27:09.137)
Right.
Raine Nox (27:18.865)
My best friend through college was from there. And so I had the very fortunate opportunity to spend time over there, both through the eyes of a tourist as well as the eyes of a local. And so I got to see things in ways that most probably wouldn't be able to. I spent a month over there. We traveled all over. I did all kinds of different religious rites ceremonies, had all kinds of different food. It was such a wonderful experience. It was the very first time in my life I felt truly
truly free. And in those moments, I realized who I wanted to be. And the way that I had... This will come later on. Today, I have used myself as androgynous. I am a melding of both. I don't like the term non -binary for myself personally, but I am the in -between. I am the balance of both.
Reese Brown (27:50.597)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (28:13.967)
But at the time, I wanted to be a woman. It made the most sense because this part of me had been so cut off and rejected and kept in the dark that it just, it wasn't receiving that kind of love. And so I realized over there that this was now the path I was going to pursue. I came back and I was depressed for about six months because I knew I was going to have to come out. And I came out on January 1st of 2015. And it was worse than I could have ever expected.
I lost about all of my friends. I think I had three or four that stayed with me. My girlfriend at the time broke up with me and proceeded to scream and yell at me for about two hours about how could I do this to her.
Reese Brown (28:57.297)
Wow.
Raine Nox (29:01.775)
How could I fuck up her life in this way? How could I hurt her this way? And so that was hurtful. She was the very first person I came out to. And I came out to my mother, and my mother told me that I was a needle in her eye. And then I came out to my father, and then my father told me that I was his worst nightmare. And...
Yeah, I lost my car, my apartment, my funding for school at the time because I was in college. I lost most of my friends. I also lost my job as a result of that. I lost a couple other jobs as a result of that after the fact as well. Yeah, I had to effectively restart. I was very fortunate that I was in college at the time, so I had some access to some help. And...
It helped me process some of it, but then I graduated and immediately went homeless. And so I was homeless for about nine months in 2017. And managed to pull myself out of that. I met some people who I could crash on their couch. I ended up dating this guy and I lived next to a gym and I had been doing fitness stuff a lot of my life. And then I had just gotten my degree in psychology as well. And I got that degree.
degree because I was like, I don't understand what's going on with me, what's been happening with my life, my family, all this other kind of stuff. So might as well get academic about it. And so I learned as much as I possibly could. And so I had this degree in psychology with a focus on health. I had been doing fitness all of my life. And so it kind of made sense. And I went over there and turned out I was good at it. And that has kind of led me where I'm at today. I...
In a weird roundabout way, I am very fortunate for having all these experiences because they have made me me and they have given me the opportunity to see people in ways that most can't and to help people in ways that most cannot and they can't even fathom. I.
Reese Brown (31:03.476)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (31:09.099)
What I try to be is a lighthouse in the void. I have gotten to this point where I really began to own who I am, what I've been through, and how I've seen the world and how I've approached the world. And it has given me this great, great opportunity to help people in ways that I was never afforded. It hurts me to watch people suffer in ways that I've suffered. There is no reason for it. And...
Reese Brown (31:38.581)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (31:39.823)
A lot of my purpose in life is to figure out how to wield all of these horrendous experiences and alchemize them into gold so that I can give it back to people who have walked similar paths I have.
Reese Brown (31:59.318)
Yeah, absolutely. I want to return to the concept of hope because I think that that's a really, it's a hard one, but you say that you've given up on the idea of hope and I want to boil down to the definition of what hope really is. How would you define hope?
Raine Nox (32:10.991)
That's a hard one.
Raine Nox (32:28.463)
From my personal perspective, hope is something that exists outside of self. It is something that is happening in the world and you're hoping that the world will change for the better. And if you were a person of privilege, sure, it might. But if you're a person like me who's been on the fringes of society for most of their life, it sure fucking doesn't. And...
Reese Brown (32:50.547)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (32:51.437)
And as I've grown older, to put this really stark perspective, whenever I came out as trans, I was out before Caitlyn Jenner was out. I had never met anybody like me. I had never even seen anybody like me. I was the first person like me I had ever met. And so I was truly forging a path through the dark in which, at places I've never been, I've never seen anybody else been. I have made this path myself. And as I have grown older, I have watched the hate towards me and my brother,
brothers and sisters increase in our society. There's just some statistics. Last year, 88 % of transgender people considered suicide. 88%. 40 to 60 % of my brothers and sisters commit suicide. Autistic people commit suicide at four times the rate of the average population.
fact that I'm here today is just like statistically improbable. I have never met anybody that has been out longer than I have. I... sorry.
Reese Brown (34:03.478)
No, no, please do not apologize. Please do not apologize. Yes, yes, yes.
Raine Nox (34:04.175)
Are you back? Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I've never met anybody that's been out longer than I have. I have walked a path that not many have, and I have done it without any help.
Reese Brown (34:12.47)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (34:22.863)
This, like I've joked before, I am the Republicans' wet dream. I formed my own goddamn bootstraps and I pulled myself up by them. Like two, three, we're yanking our way up. And yeah, yeah. I, like seriously, like I, the chances of me being here today are next to zero. And.
Reese Brown (34:23.254)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (34:38.422)
I love that. I love that.
Reese Brown (34:48.182)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (34:49.839)
It's my responsibility, I told somebody else this before, I guess I've told two people now, since I am one of the first people through this door, it is my job to hold the door, which means I have to be really strong mentally and physically to hold the door, not only just to hold the door, but to violently repel anybody who wishes to close it. It's my job. This is my job.
Reese Brown (35:04.915)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (35:09.397)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (35:16.212)
Yeah.
So I tend to agree with you on that in the sense that not, not to like assign duty to you, but for things that I identify with in like, when you discover something, I similarly feel a sense of duty and responsibility to hold that door open for anyone. Where do you think that sense of duty comes from? Because I don't think everyone has that. And I think that a lot of people wouldn't,
say that it is your job or your responsibility, right? Why do you feel so strongly that it is and what is the source of that?
Raine Nox (35:59.695)
So for me, basically, if the world is so painful and so antagonistic to me and people like me,
Reese Brown (36:10.487)
Mm.
Raine Nox (36:10.767)
I have to find meaning in what I'm doing. Without that, there's not a whole lot of purpose. And to illustrate this a little bit further, I personally see no downsides to suicide. I have spent many years thinking about it to the point where death is just no longer frightening. It's living that's hard. Death is easy. That's really easy. And to illustrate that concept a little bit more, this starts getting
into my very much personal spirituality about how I believe the world to work. I believe that in some capacity, humans have like a seed, and I see that seed as a placid pool of water.
And the life cycle of humans is like the cycle of precipitation. And so whenever we are born, we get removed from this pool of water and we start to ascend. And that's why children seem so innocent and beautiful and carefree is because they are closest to the sense of oneness. And that is bliss, heaven, whatever, however you wish to describe it. And it's described in a multitude of ways. And that's why I'm
Reese Brown (37:19.0)
Right.
Raine Nox (37:24.513)
I believe that life is suffering because when you are separate, separateness is what it causes suffering, this division between self and everything else. And so as you grow, as you rise, the suffering becomes more intense. Children don't suffer to the same, well, shouldn't suffer to the same degree that adults do. Of course, some do go through that, myself. And...
Reese Brown (37:33.164)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (37:51.983)
when we eventually reach adulthood, we are up here in this cloud. And this is where we have the opportunity to really define ourselves. And part of that is crystallization of self in some capacity. And so that...
When you're up here in this cloud, you interact with all the other little water droplets around you and you influence them. There is a great study out there of a guy who freezes water while he plays sounds for it, talks to it, and even ones where he yells at it and like curses at it. And the different crystalline structures that happen as a result of this are fascinating. When treated with hate and derision and contempt, the structure of the crystal
is disarrayed. It is not strong. It falls apart very, very easily. But when treated with love or played harmonious music, suddenly it crystallizes very hard and it's incredibly resilient. And so when we're up,
Up high in this cloud, this is where we are the most separate, which is why adulthood is often treated like it's a long period of suffering to a degree, and it's why a lot of people suffer. I think that's why a lot of people are searching for a lot of meaning in their lives, because, like, what's the fucking point? And yeah, yeah, and so yeah, whenever you die...
Reese Brown (39:06.423)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (39:14.275)
you go, you get rained back down. And whenever you get rained back down, this is where you go through, like when it said, when people die, their life flashes before their eyes. They get rained back down. They have to go through that. And so this is what hell is. As you are forced to face all of the things about yourself that you did not want to face in your day -to -day life that you could have up here in the cloud. But instead, now you have to go through that bit.
Reese Brown (39:28.631)
Mmm.
Raine Nox (39:41.711)
And if you've gone through a lot of that already, then the passage from the cloud down back to the pool is a very, very short one. And you become part of oneness again, of this bliss, because you have to shed all of those bad parts, bad parts, before you're able to reconnect with this concept of love. So in the context of suicide, if I don't see any downside to it, because I just go right back in, and then my soul gets recycled.
Reese Brown (39:42.105)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (40:07.801)
Right. Right.
Raine Nox (40:11.855)
And so in this capacity as well, a soul is like taking a glass and dunking it into the ocean, and this is a single soul. And then that's the thing that rises. And then whenever you get rain back down, you come back down. And you, it's like taking the glass and pouring it back in the ocean. It's like, yeah, now the ocean is you, but it's also not you anymore. And so souls get recycled. And this is why people have some past life experiences, why they feel different connected in different ways.
Reese Brown (40:20.825)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (40:42.095)
is because you are. You're literally a part of everything. Go ahead, sorry. What were you gonna say?
Reese Brown (40:44.185)
Right. So deeply.
Reese Brown (40:50.328)
Oh no, absolutely. I just want to... You bring so many wonderful ideas to the table. One thing that I want to continue exploring is to go back a little bit to the concept of existentialism and applying your own meaning. Obviously, that's a really big fashion of mine and a really big motivator behind what I do. And I, again, tend to really agree with you that that is...
The journey here, the experience here is what meaning can we make out of this because without our own...
kind of massaging of the experience without interjecting our own, I'll use your term, inner light as our guide through this experience. It's kind of like, well then what is the point? And I've said this before, and it sounds extreme, but it's something you said just a couple minutes ago. If heaven is on the other side, if whatever afterlife that you believe in that is supposed to be pure bliss is on the other side.
What are you doing here? What is the point then? Like truly you need to find a reason like to not kill yourself. Like, and that sounds extreme because people don't want to grapple with that fact, but it's why not? Like truly if the only reason is because that's scary, that's not a good enough reason. That is not a good enough reason. Why are you here right now?
Raine Nox (42:11.727)
Yes.
Raine Nox (42:21.941)
Agreed. Agreed.
Reese Brown (42:26.84)
What makes that not worth it to you right now? What makes that not the choice that you wanna make? And that is the question that we all need to be asking and continuously answering. Cause you're never gonna stop. Like I truly believe that that's not like an answer you reach and you're like, cool, did it done. Cause also, okay, you got your answer. You're back to one, right? So it's like ever evolving that.
question and that answer for yourself is I just totally agree with that concept and I think it's something that while really scary to grapple with would actually bring so many people such a level of peace if you instead of burying the uncertainty stare it directly in the face.
Oh, I think I lost you again, but when we come back, we'll come back shortly. Okay, I lost you again, but I'll just leave it at that and I -
Raine Nox (43:22.671)
Yeah, instead of, you said instead of bearing one. Okay, okay. Okay, so part of that is I believe that there are effectively two paths whenever it comes to the afterlife. But before that, if we are all part of the same pool, that means that I am you and you are me. And so if I see suffering out in the world and I have the capacity to change it, to help it, to stop it, that's my job.
Raine Nox (43:52.399)
Because why would I suffer? Because you're me and I am you. And so to watch other people suffer is to watch myself suffer. And so your entire job in life is to take all of the strengths, all of the gifts that you have, and to give them to humanity. I personally, yes, I personally have, so I have this tattoo, it's Gloria at Nahil, which means either glory or nothing.
Reese Brown (43:53.942)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (44:01.43)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (44:09.272)
and that's why you hold open the door.
Raine Nox (44:20.011)
And it is, I believe that it's two sides of a similar coin. So on one side we have glory. And I believe that the more glory you have, the more responsibility you have to serve others. And the more you serve others, the more glory you have. And I think one of the greatest pitfalls of our modern society is we are either super geared one way or super geared the other. And I mentioned this before whenever we had first met that my mind works in circles.
I have refined that a little bit. It's two diametrically opposed ideas that are both true at the same time, and you oscillate between those until you can figure out the exact center point. And that is the path. And once you find that path, what that means is there begins to find another polarity. And you try and find that spiral again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
Reese Brown (45:11.99)
Hmm.
Okay, that is fascinating. One, because it's the middling way at first, right? Which is the concept of Buddhism, but then it takes it one step further. And if you think about the structure of two polarities and you're oscillating until you get here, and then there's another point, right? And you're oscillating until you get here, and then there's another point. That journey that you're traversing, eventually, I mean, I would want to like create some digital visual representation of this.
but I would have to imagine would create something that looks like sacred geometry, that looks like this like ever expanding and unfolding like flower of life kind of oscillation between and within and without unfolding. And it goes back to the structure of the universe in that it's ever expansive and also back to your concept of that inner light, ever internal as well. It's both and.
Raine Nox (46:10.607)
Absolutely.
This is the path of apotheosis, which also can be defined as the path of greatness. On one of your previous podcasts, you had a gentleman on, I think his name was Eagle, last name Eagle. Yes, he was talking about enlightenment. And I know that you and I have touched on this before, but I believe enlightenment to be the very first step. I don't believe enlightenment is a point in which you can reach, but a path that you follow.
Reese Brown (46:25.943)
Mm -hmm.
Raine Nox (46:41.799)
In the same capacity, greatness is not a point, but a path.
and it is always trying to understand two polar opposites, hold them in balance, and choose the middle path. Because that is lack of ego. Ego wants to attach to things. Ego isn't bad. Ego is the thing that helps create you, protect you, which defines you as a unique individual. But it also likes to be attached to things. And one of the big... Absolutely.
Reese Brown (46:47.001)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (46:59.513)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (47:11.385)
Well, it's the certainty, right? It wants to attach to an identity that is certain, one of those polarities that's certain, because the lack of that is unstable. And it's like, what do you grasp onto then, except the uncertainty, the change?
Raine Nox (47:26.731)
Absolutely. And I've said this before, it's a concept that I'm still working on with myself, but my greatest goal in life is to be nothing. No attachment, connection, no attachment. And that is one big concept in Zen Buddhism. And it's always funny whenever I create these concepts in my head and I'll read it somewhere, it's like, oh my God, these are already great people are already talking about the same thing. I'm going the right way, I'm doing the right stuff. And that's always super satisfying. But yeah, the idea for me,
Reese Brown (47:35.161)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (47:51.031)
Yeah, totally.
Raine Nox (47:56.625)
to be based on nothing. Because what that means to me is that means I am unshakable. You can't, there, I have no base, you cannot move me. I have, um...
So part of my personal journey and going back to the two diametrically opposed things is my childhood family was very religious, very Christian. And so part of me separating from that and understanding myself better is I swung the exact opposite way and I started getting really fascinated by Satanism because it is the exact polar opposite of it. Modern day Satanism is atheistic, but it has undercurrent
of some mysticism aspects and existential nihilism. If everything means nothing, that means that everything means everything. Every moment is super important and the only moment that really matters is this one and this one and this one and this one. Yes, and forever and always. And I...
Reese Brown (48:53.367)
right now.
Raine Nox (49:00.143)
I really enjoyed some of those concepts and as you can tell today I'm wearing one of my favorite hoodies. I enjoy being the adversary, not necessarily to other people but to ideas because if I am always trying to destroy the ideas then that takes away any and all supports and in my mind these supports are attachments and if I'm attached to nothing,
Reese Brown (49:04.471)
I'm gonna go.
Reese Brown (49:24.917)
Mm.
Raine Nox (49:26.671)
I can grow. I have, as some people have patron saints, I have a patron demon. My patron demon's name is Belial. And Belial, what I really like about Belial is that in the original translation of the Bible, Belial was a word to describe an ox without a yoke. An ox without a yoke is both masterless and worthless. But,
Reese Brown (49:47.999)
Mmm.
Raine Nox (49:53.327)
what is more powerful than someone with nothing to lose and no one to answer to? There is nothing. And it really builds on this idea that the person who loves to walk will go further than the person who loves the destination. In the same capacity,
Reese Brown (50:01.143)
Right.
Reese Brown (50:13.631)
Mm.
Raine Nox (50:15.823)
I am trying to walk really far. I don't necessarily care where I go. All I care about is loving the walk. And this has really helped me understand myself in kind of these very dualistic terms where I have taken terms that are historically like like calling yourself worthless. I find empowering, but to other people that's going to be very hurtful and it is very hurtful. And this is this has been my way of reclaiming my kind of identity and and
Reese Brown (50:23.127)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (50:37.879)
Sure. Right.
Raine Nox (50:45.777)
I already have plans as well. So I have Belial sigil tattooed on my shoulder and I already have plans to have that tattooed over whenever that no longer serves me. And at the moment it's still continuing to serve me. But...
I eventually wish to be without. I don't need that anymore. And that is the whole goal for me, is to not need things. I want to ascend to such a level where I don't have to need anything, I'm just connected to everything and life just allows it.
Reese Brown (51:07.991)
Right.
Reese Brown (51:20.599)
Yeah. Well, and isn't that so beautiful that even the idea of this archetyper figure representing the lack of yoke, the lack of master, even the lack of those things can still become a yoke, a master. And so at what point do you release the attachment to the lack of attachment? And it is that kind of, you know,
going back to the diametrically opposed points and finding the middling way of we got to hold both and otherwise it's it is turtles all the way down, right and there there is no like unmoved mover there, but that is the journey that we are all walking, you know and walking through the shadow of death is that constant reminder that this is all impermanent. Nothing here is lasting forever and yet you are here right now.
And right now, this moment, going back to the existentialism now and now and now and now is the only thing we can prove. So having all of these things and like holding it as like the most divine, sacred, beautiful thing and also absolute nothingness and meaninglessness and it's like, how else do you...
I don't know, juggle with that. It certainly makes sense to me that it's super interesting. So I think I want to dive a little bit into, because when we first met and we were first having this conversation, we both have a similar story in terms of deconstructing from Christianity, but we went in slightly different pathways to developing our own kind of spiritual and religious practices.
I would love to hear you talk a little bit more about that self -development because you're someone who thinks very deeply about not just your practices, but establishing it as like a thing in and of itself. Like it's not just, oh, this is what works for me, but it's like, no, this is a method. So yeah, I would love to hear about that process and a little bit more with where you're at with that now.
Raine Nox (53:40.495)
Yeah, so a big part of my spiritual experiences, I've used a lot of psychedelics in my life. And mushrooms and LSD, I'm personally a big fan of LSD. Mushrooms work better for some other people. I find that mushrooms connect me.
Raine Nox (54:00.303)
Sorry, I find that mushrooms connect me too much to the earth and I think that that's important, but I think also the flip side is important.
So in this capacity, I have a ritual that I do usually once every three to four months where I take a very large dose. And for LSD, it's around 600 micrograms, which makes it a heroic dose. And I've gone above that as well. And then for mushrooms, it's about seven grams. And the way that I do it is it's about a 36 to 48 hour ritual. I clean my entire apartment. I eat vegetarian throughout the day. I journal and meditate about the things that I wish to accomplish during the day.
this trip. There is a playlist that is made by John Hopkins Medical Research Center in psilocybin trials. It's about an eight -hour playlist of mostly instrumental music. It ends with What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong and is just fucking immaculate coming out of a trip to that song. And I trip very specifically in pitch black. So there is no light to fixate on. There is nothing. And so the trip doesn't happen out here. The trip happens in here.
Reese Brown (55:03.221)
Mmm.
Raine Nox (55:10.245)
And so you truly go on a hero's journey every time. Oh, and then also on top of that, I do a guided meditation on the come up that aligns itself with the meditation practice. And then very particularly, I wear this hoodie in it and I've worn it on almost every single one of my trips. I'd say I probably tripped in the realm of about 70 times.
Reese Brown (55:23.287)
Mm.
Raine Nox (55:34.415)
I have worn it on just about every single trip and on the back it says, fuck God, believe in yourself. And that has been very empowering for me because I have spent a lot of my life not really believing in myself, not having that spark within. And I on it, like this is dark, but well, we're already there. So for...
Reese Brown (55:54.423)
Yeah, please.
Raine Nox (55:55.693)
There's a band that I listen to called Villains. They had an album called Ten Code. And there's particularly this one song where he sang, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it die. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it die. And for a very long time, it felt like the entire world was trying to squash that light. And so now the goal is to become a more powerful version of myself. And that looks like a multitude of ways, but it goes back to the
Reese Brown (56:18.143)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (56:25.617)
glory and service thing. It's about trying to use all of my skills so that I can help other people because that adds fuel to my light.
I think that that is also one of the cruxes of why we see a lot of the issues in the world at the moment, is that a lot of people are attempting to mirror the light of something up above them without recognizing the light within. And so while they might be trying to mirror this, in absolute black, they're lost. And spirituality is the definition of being able to find your way in the void. And
And I have spent my entire life learning to do that. And so now I do it very specifically with psychedelics. And I go through it again and again and again and again. And it has allowed me to really develop myself in such a way that I feel very resilient to the...
Reese Brown (57:05.431)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (57:24.255)
The downsides of the void, as Nietzsche once said, is like, the longer you stare into the abyss, the more the abyss stares back into you. And I have become great friends with my dark pieces. Yeah. And so beyond that...
Going back to my my precipitation Idea, I believe there are effectively two paths when you die though one is not readily apparent the first one is to become part of the pool again and You bring with you or you separate from all the other stuff But you bring with you all the stuff that you've helped elevate humanity with the second one though though
The downside of that is whenever you take that glass of water and you dump it back into the ocean, you achieve pure bliss, but you lose self. For me, that is not something I want. I do not want the concept of heaven. Personally, to me, that sounds abhorrent. I have spent so much of my life building who I am, and to lose it or sacrifice it for something aside from myself is just...
If there is a sin, it is that. And the second path is...
Whenever you die, you can choose not to go back in. But it requires you to not only pursue enlightenment throughout life, but to pursue greatness throughout life. And you have the opportunity to crystallize yourself in such a way that you become a snowflake, a pure individual, a pure, unique, crystalline structure. And you float on.
Raine Nox (59:09.295)
I have no idea what happens after that. But I want to say I 99 % know that is possible. And so that is what I am trying to achieve with my life. I am trying to crystallize myself in such a way that I give all this energy out to humanity so that whenever there comes the time, I long to be worthy of death.
Because at that moment is the moment when I pass on and say, I have given all I possibly can to humanity and I now must go my own separate way.
Reese Brown (59:49.015)
Wow. Yeah, that is...
Reese Brown (59:56.151)
I, we just lost our connection, but now we're back. I absolutely adore the phrase, I long to be worthy of death because no one, nothing said we had to be worthy of life. It was just freely given. Um, moving on to the next should be earned, right? In a certain sense that that is really, really powerful.
Raine Nox (01:00:19.693)
Absolutely.
Reese Brown (01:00:24.951)
Um, I had a thought. What did I want to go back to? Oh, yes. Okay. In, through all of this, the idea of identity and self is I think one of these, um, you know, diametrically opposed points where it's, we have this clinging to self, but also trying to remove ego. Where do you find the middling way with that? Where,
if at the end we're all reaching striving for, I'll call it snowflakeness and being able to continue to float on where and yet, like you said earlier, the reason why we hold open the door is because suffering within me is also suffering within the other and vice versa. What's the kind of crux there between being able to hold some sort of outline of individual identity,
while still being able to honor that we are just but part of a whole.
Raine Nox (01:01:28.591)
Yeah, so this concept, I like to point to light. So light is both a wave and a particle at the same time. Have you heard of the double slit experiment? Yes. So it is both a particle.
Reese Brown (01:01:38.935)
Yes. But please give us a rundown for our listeners.
Raine Nox (01:01:44.675)
Okay, so double split experiment is you take a basically a flashlight that sends out a single photon and it sends out a single photon once every couple minutes and so theoretically if you're shining a light at a wall it'll hit that one spot and so what they do is they set up two slits on on the side here and then they set up this light and they let it go. What's really interesting about it is the behavior of the photon changes if humans are observing it.
If we are not observing it, it hits that one spot. But the moment that we observe it, it becomes a wave. And the light somehow moves through those double slits, creating a frequency pattern on the wall behind the double slit, the light thing that it goes through. And because of that, this really starts to highlight the possibility of manifestation and really believing something in life.
Now beyond that, we are individual photons. We are both a wave and a particle. And so whenever it comes to me talking about wanting to separate myself,
I am also a part of the wave regardless until that moment where I make that choice. But the thing is, is the most noble of things is to recognize yourself as a singularity while also being a part of the wave and recognizing that if you invest in yourself and you move up, what happens to all the other photons that go along? They move up as well just by you investing in yourself, just by becoming the greatest version of yourself. And so the more that you do that and the more that you work through all the
the stuff that holds you back from this concept of love. This concept of truly appreciating people where they're at, what they're saying, what they're doing. And there's a very great man, his name is Ram Dass. And Ram Dass speaks about viewing people like trees. And he says, whenever you go into the forest, you look around and you see all the trees and you look at this one, you say, oh, it probably grew this way because it was trying to reach the light, or it's probably this way because of whatever. And you just accept it as it is. But the moment that you engage with people, it's, oh, you're too
Raine Nox (01:03:52.817)
this, you're too that, you're too much, whatever. The goal is to view people as trees. Is to just accept them as they are in this very very moment. And the more that you can do that, the more that you can do that for yourself. Because ultimately life is a reflection of you. The whole world is a reflection of who you are. And if you can recognize that and every time you have negative thoughts about other people, it's not about other people, that's about you.
Reese Brown (01:04:08.375)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (01:04:22.575)
Me. Everybody.
It's just all a reflection. And the more that you can work through that, and just by doing that for yourself, all the people around you are influenced by that. They see you becoming greater, and it's like holding a mirror to them and saying, why aren't you becoming greater? And ultimately, I believe that most people want to be a better version of themselves. They've just not been given the opportunity or the space to do so, or the tools to do so. And...
Reese Brown (01:04:28.471)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (01:04:35.959)
Mm.
Reese Brown (01:04:46.135)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (01:04:53.903)
This becomes one of my more controversial thoughts, but this is one of my greatest qualms with modern religion. Modern religion, particularly Christianity, but most modern religions Abrahamic in general, Judaism, Islam, and Christianity. I'm going to use Christianity as the kind of metaphor, but this will apply to most. The Bible and Jesus,
The Bible is to teach you how to be Jesus, not to worship Him, not to kiss where He walked, but to literally walk in His footsteps, to literally be Jesus Christ. This is the purpose of Christianity. And this is my greatest qualm with it, is...
Christianity is the moment that you say, oh, I accept you into my heart. Well, you're good to go. There is no act of becoming. There is no act of striving for something better than self. There is nobody to push you to do that. And because of that, we are seeing stagnation all around us. And these people who believe they are light beings while having no capacity for light themselves, they're just saying, oh, well, I'm a part of that.
Reese Brown (01:06:10.293)
Mmm.
Raine Nox (01:06:13.647)
in the void, can you, or do you have that light? You can't guide people. You don't know where you're going and you get lost. We are meant to be individuals in this society and to use our gifts for the betterment of others. We are not meant to sacrifice ourselves for a concept that doesn't make sense. And more importantly, that is counter to developing self.
Reese Brown (01:06:18.135)
Right.
Reese Brown (01:06:23.895)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (01:06:30.293)
Wow.
Raine Nox (01:06:43.471)
I believe you have to e - go ahead.
Reese Brown (01:06:44.345)
Well, and it's, I was just gonna say, I think that's so powerful and also extremely interesting in the sense that there are still leaders within Abrahamic religions, right? We still have priests and pastors and elders and whatever leader of congregation. And I think a big part of the downfall of the Catholic Church and Christianity as a whole is,
how horrible and evil and horrific a lot of the behaviors of the leaders of these religions have been. It's how can you say that you are this type of person and yet also, we've lost our connection one more time. I'm gonna wait until we're back. There we are. How can you say that you are this leader who is espousing love while still doing these horrific, horrible things? Well.
How can you truly be representative of Christianity if you are not trying to be exactly like Jesus and isn't in the practice of saying, I can be higher, better, an elder, a leader, counter to the idea of Christianity in and of itself. So it's like, no wonder the leaders are the ones who are the downfall of that, right? I have another question. So you do believe that...
This is just for my own clarity of I want to make sure I have my my thumb on that belief system, which also leaving room for change and development, of course. So we're a wave and a particle. But the moment of choosing snowflakeness, you leave the wave and you you believe that that is just particle at that point. OK.
Raine Nox (01:08:35.983)
Yeah.
you become part of something greater, a greater system. And you move back, I mean, it's like the tarot cards, like the fool, everybody begins as the fool, and you go through all of these different experiences and you ascend and ascend and ascend. Well, what happens whenever you ascend to the highest level? Well, you become the fool again. And that's the hard bit, is to even achieve this concept of snowflakeness is a lot of work.
It is a path filled with suffering, but it's also a path filled with fulfillment and joy beyond your wildest dreams. We are not scared of failing. We're scared of being something greater than we can possibly imagine. And to move beyond that, it requires a certain fortitude. There's not many that have.
Reese Brown (01:09:15.776)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (01:09:32.94)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (01:09:33.527)
There's only a few people who have existed within our lifetimes, or not within our, within the lifetime of humanity that have had such long lasting impact. And some of these people, that is ultimately the goal, is to be someone like that. And yeah, I...
It but what also means to and again, this is another hard concept is when you have the opportunity to choose the other path. First, you have to be aware of it, which is an aspect of enlightenment. And again, that's the very first step and just finding enlightenment alone is fucking hard. That's why there's entire religions geared towards just that one piece.
What it also means to is separation from anyone you've ever loved. Because most likely, most likely, they won't achieve to the same level that you will. And so it's recognizing that you're leaving that behind and saying, I love you, goodbye.
Reese Brown (01:10:29.59)
Mmm.
Reese Brown (01:10:33.304)
Yeah, wow. One final question before I hop into my actual final questions that I always like to ask, but just to kind of round out the main part of our conversation. Altruism. This is a piece that I'm deeply connected to and I've considered a whole bunch, but I would love your take on if we are both everything and also ourselves and...
Our connection to other is also connection to self and vice versa. Altruism, is it possible?
Raine Nox (01:11:07.791)
Yeah, 1 ,000%. I think ultimately people want the best.
for themselves and best for others. Most people aren't in this position of destroying themselves. And whenever they do destroy themselves, it's because of this twisted form of what they believe to be love. I mean, just to put in really stark contrast, Hitler. Hitler believed that he was doing the world a service. He believed he was doing the best for his people possible. Incredibly misguided. Incredibly fucked up. But he believed that. There's not a single person out there who believes themselves to be evil.
Reese Brown (01:11:33.816)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (01:11:42.273)
evil. It's just not a thing. Most people want the best for the world. The thing is that most are often misguided in their attempts. And that's why it's so important to be
Reese Brown (01:11:44.953)
Yeah.
Reese Brown (01:11:53.037)
Yeah.
Raine Nox (01:11:55.823)
the adversary to yourself. Because if you aren't challenging your ideas, you aren't growing. And if there is one thing that my father gave me that I will appreciate him until I can't, or until the end of my consciousness, or whatever, it's don't believe what you hear and only half of what you see. You have to question every single bit of self, every single bit of your environment, everything around you. And the moment you stop questioning is the moment you stop
start dying.
Reese Brown (01:12:27.831)
Hmm.
Raine Nox (01:12:28.367)
It's always about trying to move forward. I do this so that I can do this so that I can do this so that I can do this. It's always an eternal path. There's a phrase in Zen Buddhism which you and I spoke about that what happens before enlightenment you chop wood and you haul water. What happens after enlightenment? Well, you chop wood and you haul water. It's the same thing and the question is always the intention behind it.
Reese Brown (01:12:56.858)
Right? Absolutely. And I think one thing that this conversation has really brought up for me is, you know, when you do something for yourself, there is no such thing as selfishness, right? Like in a surface sense, sure, right? In an egoic sense, sure. But in taking care of yourself, that is the most beautiful.
service offering gift to other, to universe, to source, to again, whatever you want to call it. And I think so much of where we pull ourselves short comes from the way we wish other people perceive our care for self, right? It's like that. It doesn't even matter.
at that point, but it's hard to let go and to rest in that impermanence. To head into our final section of our conversation, I want to be respectful of your time. I know we're a little bit over our scheduled time. So, okay. Second to last question. We covered a lot. We talked about a lot.
Raine Nox (01:14:06.639)
Oh, it's okay.
Reese Brown (01:14:17.275)
This is space and time if in light of anything that we talked about that you want to clarify, that you want to re -emphasize, that you want to bring up, that we didn't get a chance to touch on, or if there's anything you want to plug or send people to as well, this is space for you to any and all of that. I just want to make sure I carved out time for that.
Raine Nox (01:14:38.959)
I believe that the most selfless act that you can do for the world is become the greatest version of yourself. And when people talk about caring for themselves like you were just talking about, they often get lost in this idea that caring for yourself is not caring for others. But you can't care for others if you don't care for yourself first. My favorite metaphor for this is, and it's slightly flawed, I'm working on refining it, but...
Everybody is a beautiful flower, and as you grow you have the opportunity to sprout leaves to make your blossom bigger and bigger. And since we are conscious beings, we have the ability to take off these leaves and hand them to other flowers. If you get rid of all your leaves, how can you grow? You can't.
And so the only worthwhile path in life is greatness. Because that gives you the opportunity to sprout more leaves and give more leaves away. And it goes back to the idea of glory and service. It's glory first, service second. And if you consistently work on bettering yourself, the entire world will benefit as a result. And that really comes back to my little self plug here.
Reese Brown (01:15:39.13)
Mm.
Raine Nox (01:15:56.271)
Why fitness is so important. Because if you are a strong person, if you are a fit person, if you can handle the discipline and love it takes to push yourself through these hard things and become a greater version of yourself. And you can do that in a space like fitness. You can do that anywhere. Because fitness is what teaches you all of these lessons. If you keep learning and doing fitness, you are going to keep learning these lessons. It teaches you consistently.
It teaches you how to fail gracefully. It teaches you how to set goals. It teaches you how to be a good person because you're going to run up against really challenging stuff. You're going to get injured. You are going to have hard days. But if you can get through that in this space and you spend time developing this as a skill, if you spent, I don't know, let's say three years learning to pull two and a half times your body weight off a deadlift, how hard is that presentation that you're giving at work that you spent?
three weeks putting together. It pales. It pales in comparison. Fitness is the foundation for living a fulfilling life because it teaches you all the lessons that life has to teach you and it teaches you them in a space that is a safe space. A safe that is designed for you to fail and play and exist without judgment.
gyms are one of the greatest places I have ever been because it's often the scariest of people in the gym that are going to be the most supportive of you because we know what it's like to be in that spot. And that being said, I...
I pride myself on being the trainer that I am. I have been working on rebranding myself as a trauma -informed personal trainer for both mental and physical trauma. And because I have had a lot of personal experience myself, it has afforded me the opportunity to work with people that have pain and injury because when people come to me with those experiences, there aren't just suffering in their body, there's also suffering in their mind.
Raine Nox (01:18:01.327)
And so I help alleviate that and I get to watch them blossom as people. And there is honestly nothing as fulfilling. I had a client yesterday text me and told me that I am their biggest champion right now. And one of the highest honors I could ever ask for. I'm so thankful.
Reese Brown (01:18:25.981)
Ah, no, that's beautiful. And for the, you know, more bookkeeping purposes for anyone interested in working with Rain, all of the information will be in the show notes and descriptions and wherever you're listening or watching, you will absolutely be able to see her incredible work wherever it is housed. It will all be down there for everyone to see, access and experience.
the beauty that is you. Before diving into my very last question, I just want to thank you again for your time, your energy, your vulnerability during this conversation and your openness. I...
And you being so thankful for that message, my greatest honor is being able to have conversations like this and to have been gifted the trust to hold this space. And it really means so much. So I just thank you for showing up fully and authentically and trusting me to have this conversation with. That is a deep, deep honor.
Raine Nox (01:19:36.111)
I have been very excited for this for the past like two -ish weeks since we soaked about it. So I've been looking forward to this. This is very outside of my comfort zone. It's awesome experience. Thank you.
Reese Brown (01:19:40.414)
I'm so glad.
Reese Brown (01:19:49.886)
I'm so glad. Very final question. What is one word that describes how you're feeling right now?
Raine Nox (01:19:57.807)
I have a just deep reverence for... I'm gonna cry again.
Reese Brown (01:19:59.846)
Hmm.
Reese Brown (01:20:05.822)
No, you're all good.
Raine Nox (01:20:08.431)
Just deep reverence for where I'm at right now, for the opportunity of having met you, for the opportunity to work with the people that I do, to be this mentor for people, to be able to live this life, to be able to go through hard things, to suffer greatly so that I can experience joy to such a higher level. I...
I'm just so incredibly thankful.
Reese Brown (01:20:41.469)
I think that is the most beautiful bow to this wonderful conversation. So I'm just gonna leave it there. Thank you so much. And Rain, I will chat with you very, very soon.
Raine Nox (01:20:56.399)
I hope you have a great day.
Reese Brown (01:20:59.355)
You too. Bye.